Gosh, doesn't this song just kill me when I listen to it - honestly, it brings me back to how terrible I felt pretty much the entire month of December. You know, when I was so desperate to believe every word that came out of M's mouth.
I feel that my poly experience with him has made me cautious. Maybe cynical even. PunkRockAwesomesauce is just so wonderful. He is saying all the right things, wonderful things. He is talking with his friends, letting them know he is with a poly chick even though he is mono. He is re-affirming this decision every time he is with me, reassuring me that this is what he really wants. He texted me today, saying that he loves me (he sent this more than once) and that sharing me and being involved in a poly relationship and shifting his entire mono world to be with me is what he definitely wants to do. "It's worth it for a chance to love you," he said. Melt my heart!
It angers me a little that I need this sort of reassurance. Like, just a little. M ruined my free spirit attitude toward love. I don't trust this. I really really want to, but it is so difficult, because it seems too perfect. If I had met PRA first, I wouldn't feel this hesitation to believe. I'd just be free-falling into the bliss. At the same time though, I AM just diving in - I am not putting up any blocks to slow things down. I am experiencing our relationship as it happens, and the only hesitation is in my own mind, as it unfolds. And the hesitation isn't extreme at all, but it is there, making me question myself and if I am really worth it, if PRA will be there and will back up his words with actions.
And what beautiful words!
PRA has told me numerous times that he wants this to be life-long, and forever. He wants to move closer, or have us move closer and possibly live together. He told me he was thinking that if, ever, we decided we wanted to get married, that he would want to get matching tattoos to show the world we are a pair. Since you know, legally we can't get married. Anyway, I know this is NRE and this is crazy. But, it's also beautiful. He's beautiful. He's actually thought about this stuff.
I love him so very much. "I'll be the one if you want me too." Yeah, that's a desperate quote from the song that I linked. But also, "I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl." I am in this for the long haul with him. I feel like we have a deep connection. Again, that's NRE, but for me, regardless of the hesitations that M has left me with, my love with PRA, well, it's for always.