Originally Posted by Poly85
I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
Okay, so no one is in the right here. You definitely shouldn't have gone through his phone and he shouldn't be lying to you. You have no reason to trust him, and he has no reason to trust you.
Now that that's established, let me ask this. How long has HE been poly? Because it seems to me that while he might understand the concept behind be open and honest, he doesn't fully subscribe to it. Like he doesn't fully believe when you say that he can be honest with you. If the relationship is worth it to you, insist on talking. Be honest with him - that's the only way you can expect him to be honest with you.
You're new to poly and there's definitely a significant learning curve. Either way, there is something for you to learn about yourself in this situation. Do you want to be with someone who brings out this distrust in you? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't "do" poly the way you do? Do you want to be the person to teach someone else how to communicate? There are many questions to ask yourself here. Just be honest with yourself.