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Old 02-25-2014, 09:31 PM
ICanBeStunning's Avatar
ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NYC
Posts: 46
Default How can this go wrong?

Hi all,

I just want to get some advice or perspectives on my poly situation.

About five years ago I started a casual relationship with my married bf Bear. I had other partners at the time and didn't really consider him as anything more than a friend with mild benefits. It's long distance and I saw him maybe once or twice per year.

At the beginning of our friendship Bear informed me that he and his wife have a DADT relationship and would remain that way unless I wanted to meet her. We became more serious, and I did eventually meet her a few times. She's a lovely woman but we're not destined for friendship, which is fine by me. I didn't understand the severity of their DADT and accidentally let some things slip that she wasn't privy to; she became angry but the night ended up with all 3 of us cuddled up in bed which reads as OK to me. (He brought up the conversation and I had no clue that she only knew parts of the story).

I wouldn't say that he's bullying her to get the relationship he wants, she, at the point that I met her, doesn't seem to care… she seems disconnected. Their marriage seems more like old friends with benefits and he came to me for the emotional support. She wasn't interested in fixing it or changing things.

Last year we broke up. I partly because he was concerned about my NRE (it wasn't real for me until January 2012), issues at work and in his marriage. We reconnected this January and resumed or relationship after talking about it. I'm not sure that she knows I'm back in the picture. We're planning on spending a part of the weekend together in their home but I doubt he will tell her this. We communicate often and she might know that it's with me (or another woman I guess)… that's basically all that I know about what she knows. This seems wrong, but I cannot adequately express why.
On a different note I'm noticing a lack of consideration or regard for our relationship from Bear. Two years ago during the NRE thing we spoke almost daily. I broke up with my former partners and was only seeing Bear. If our relationship was hierarchal, he would say that he was my primary while I was his secondary, whereas I would mention that my school and work were my primaries and he was also secondary.

That year we spoke about me moving closer to them, commitment ceremonies, vacations etc. Whenever I mentioned seeing someone else he expressed displeasure. It seemed that he did pull away (right before the breakup) around the time that I started dating again (I think to give me the opportunity to find the ideal dyadic, hetero normative relationship).

This year I'm dating someone new and I have an FWB/play partner. They both live closer to me and I can see them more often. He says he's fine or getting used to this new situation, but his behavior indicates that he has issues with it. He was constantly asking me which of the two I was with if I didn't talk to him for the evening. He wanted me to compare techniques. As much as I care about Bear, I know that he has a few insecurities about our relationship. He's several years older than me, and he thinks that I'm out of his league when it comes to physical appearance.

Usually I get a sweet message from him on Valentine's day, but this year he didn't say anything until the next day. He spent a great deal of time telling me what he got for every other person in his life (wife, child, mother, siblings). This seemed a little passive aggressive to me.

In consideration of his fear of my feelings towards him, I've been giving him some space, but I'm afraid that it's translating to "I like my other partners better than you." He told me that he feels like the last year didn't happen, but to me it feels like we're back to being casual.

I would like some help organizing my thoughts on what to say to him.
Bisexual woman in my 20s. Solo and dating.
I have a play partner Kanga

Last edited by ICanBeStunning; 02-25-2014 at 09:36 PM. Reason: added missing information
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