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Old 02-25-2014, 01:58 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,580

Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
Dan Savage once said that he's never been invited to a 5 year poly anniversary and "good f***ing luck to you if you make it work," so your counselor is not alone in her opinion.
Let's list out some of the problems with Mr Savages "point" here. In no particular order:

1. Longevity is not the benchmark of a healthy relationship. Longevity is the benchmark of lifelong associations. To say that poly doesn't work because poly relationships are not as long as monogamous relationships is faulty logic - even if it were true.

2. His sample size is either miniscule or manicured. I personally know two poly groups who have been together for more than 5 years and are fully functional happy people. For a famous relationship personality like Savage to say that he's never seen it either means that he ignores reality or that... well my guess is he's just ignoring reality because it gets in the way of his being "right"

3. It's a self-fulfilling social stigma. Monogamy arrangements have a chance because there is firm social tradition in the US which encourages it, nourishes it, makes excuses for it, ignores the facts for it, and represses all other forms of relating. If Savages statement were any representation of reality (it isn't) he would really only have himself to blame for continually applying negative pressure to poly.

Look at this therapist as a fine example of the stigma. This educated person who should have some kind of insight about how people work is really just a monogamy Juggernaut and further making sure that monogamy has support and poly does not. If poly arrangements were to struggle more than mono arrangements would it really be a shock to anyone? Would it really be the simple assertion that "poly can't work"? Or could it be that surviving alone, on an island, in a mono-only society is more difficult than just giving in and practicing monogamy?
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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