Thread: I Am Clingy
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Old 02-25-2014, 04:21 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't think you came off the way Octopus said. I just think you were being direct and matter-of-fact about what you see and what is going on with you.

Look, the biggest challenge for the two of you -- and for all of us -- is to come to terms with expectations. Those expectations that are placed on us by the larger society in which we live, the smaller cultures we regularly interact within, our families, and so on, are extremely hard to shake. The ideas we form about how we can live up to those expectations become internal belief systems that limit us or deceive us into thinking we are unhappy, unsatisfied (or should feel unhappy and unsatisfied), simply because the expectations haven't been met. But most people rarely stop to question whether the expectations are realistic or even in tune with who we are as people.

There are expectations about what a relationship should look like, expectations about the direction a relationship should take, expectations about what women should want in relationships, expectations about what men should want, expectations about sex, about what is healthy communication and what should be kept to oneself, expectations about the the proper "role" of a partner, expectations about one's age and experience, blablablabla... gag!

Today I was thinking about the question that often gets asked of a person after they have been seeing someone romantically for a while. It is usually something like, "Are things getting serious?" or "Do you see it going somewhere?" Honestly, what do those questions even mean? Such questions come out of expectations and beliefs that a relationship isn't worth any effort if it isn't getting "serious" and going "somewhere." But what is "serious" supposed to look like, and just where, exactly, is this elusive "somewhere?"

Here are the questions I ask myself when in a relationship: Do I feel valued in this relationship? Do I feel heard in this relationship? Do I feel respected in this relationship? Do I feel comfortable enough to be myself with this person? Am I having fun? If I answer "YES" to all of these, but come up with a fuzzy "I'm not sure" or "Dunno" to "Are things getting serious?" or "Do you see it going somewhere?" - does that really merit getting upset or feeling disappointed when so many things are in my favor, and so many of my needs are being met, in the here and now?

Expectations are the ultimate buzzkill, because they distort reality and take us out of the present. And, if you think about it, the present moment is actually all we ever have.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-25-2014 at 01:10 PM.
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