Thread: I Am Clingy
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Old 02-24-2014, 10:25 PM
Hmm Hmm is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 57

Posted with miss asmile's permission:

Not to be a creeper, but...

Originally Posted by asmile
He was the one who said he was interested in poly...

To add some context, I'm pretty sure the OP was from a night where she had a breakdown while spending the weekend alone, having realized she was being emotionally quite clingy. I comforted her best I could from afar and commended her for being self-aware about it. I have been working on fixing my clinginess myself, and setting boundaries has been a big step for me. I am her "first" in most ways, and so I am being patient and sympathetic as I can be to her learning. She is a wonderful, dependable friend who I am happy to have in my life, but emotionally, we are on different levels. Watching her slowly mature from her clingy, lonely, insecure self has been rewarding for me. I just hope I am not being a bad person by not loving her "the way she is". Then again, poly is about loving someone's personal growth right?

As she is emotionally still figuring herself out and such, finding a balance between giving and taking has been a challenge. I know if our friendship/relationship weren't open, I wouldn't be able to keep it going like this, which is why I am especially glad to be able to find this kind of support. I like not having to give up on a relationship just because it is not the greatest or because she is not "the one". As I've said, I find watching her mature internally is quite rewarding to me. That we are the younger side of the poly spectrum helps me see with bigger perspective what kinds of things I may look forward to and how much I needn't panic.

Trying to find a balance with her is challenging. Sometimes it has felt like she's just not getting it and that has been frustrating. She's still new to not being alone let alone having a close dedicated friendship let alone one that is open and poly in our day and age, so I am keeping that perspective in mind in that the struggle won't last forever. That said...

Originally Posted by graviton
my advice is to change your expectations or step back from the relationship. It is far easier for you to lower your expectations for the relationship rather than to expect him to somehow create deeper feelings for the relationship. That is something that he will need to do on his own or not at all. If it hurt you too much then I would suggest you remove yourself from the relationship.
I especially like this advice. It gets a little overwhelming how she wants my romantic interest, or feels left out that I have romance with others but with her I feel emotionally not connected. I am hoping in time she finds a guy who can give her his all. Is that reasonable? Perhaps I am just hoping she finds self-confidence and self-reliance not to need to cling. I like her as a friend and that she wants things of me I simply won't feel is not going to change that I won't feel them, and actually makes it harder to.

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
The problem, as I see it, is not that you are young or clingy - but that the two of you are not in the same "place" in terms of what you want. Which isn't to say it can't work at all (MrS had to wait 6 mos for me to "catch on" to the fact that we were even dating) - but you can't force feelings, and you have to be able to accept that he may never be in a place to want a deeper relationship with you. Which is sad, but not catastrophic if you are able to allow yourself to be open to other opportunities at the same time.

Just my two (or twenty-two) cents.
And this as well, too.
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