Very new to all of this and struggling
I don't even know where to start. I am older than my partner and on certain levels our relationship has not been functioning correctly for a while. Over the course of several long and honest conversations I thought polyamory may be a solution and something we should try. The main issues between us are that I am a person that needs and craves large amounts of attention and affection and adventure. And he is in the process of building his adult life and does not have a lot of free time to see me. We are talking I see him 1-2 times a week. I need more interaction . Also he is several years younger than me and has not sorted out his emotional states. He often does not know how he feels or why and sometimes can be very supportive emotionally because he just does not know how or when its needed. He thinks my needs are valid and that right now he just cannot meet the time and attention needs and I believe he just needs to age a bit to be able to grasp the abstract emotional issues a bit better.
Anyway we decided to try out a poly relationship. We laid some ground rules which were basically communication is key, honesty important and needed, new partners needed to not subtract from our limited time with each other and safe sex practices. In a lot of ways its has really helped us be more communicative, more open and honest about how we feel and has helped bring some of our weaker points to the table to be addressed.
But there are also issues. I am someone that has never allowed any kind of one night stand. I seriously until recently had not even made out with a stranger. One night right after we made it open, I was out with a group of alumni friends and drinking and decided I wanted to cross the boundary I had self enforced and kiss a stranger. I was not able to but was directed by a close friend to make friends with one of his close friends. I spent the night with T and he took me home because I was in no shape to get home. Nothing happened that night but the following morning we had a long conversation about what was happening with my partner and why I was looking to try out something with someone else. ( To see if I could and how it made me feel) He was direct and horny and while incredibly respectful was also a bit pushy. We kissed. He stuck his member in my mouth and while avoidant at first I love sucking cock so much I partook. This made me incredibly horny and i said damn I wish I had a dick inside me. Immediately it happened. Sex lasted about 2-5 min until I decided I was over it. He respected that and asked if he could cum and I said yes and he did in my mouth and on my face. It was a positive experience because it was short and I did not think about it much. It felt freeing to experiment a bit and know at home I have someone that loves and cares for me. I did not have to wonder if T cared/liked me/ this would lead to something. I had only planned on kissing a stranger and not the extent of our 10 min sexual encounter.We did not use a condom for the 2 min of penetration. I was also still intoxicated which I am sure effected my choices. But I am an adult and they were all my choices.
I told my partner. He felt hurt that I had done anything so close to opening our relationship and betrayed I did not use a condom. I agreed it was poor planning and abad choice on my part. But reassured him of his importance, specialness and my commitment to our relationship.
This was a few weeks ago. Since then my partner has been trying to find a sex partner and has been trying every online avenue possible for a hook up. It concerns me how very much he is trying. He daily talks to a plethora of girls and responds to a plethora of adds and has several up himself. I feel like its not that I am concerned about him having sex but the effort he is putting into it. And that the effort comes out of his effort into our relationship. Friends have told me guys just need to invest more effort into getting laid then girls tend to. I have come to some peace about that but last night I fell apart.
He told me he has been talking to an old freind he hooked up with a few times before me. She wants him to sleep with her. I feel threatened and scared but know those feelings are normal and I need to wade through them. I am just having difficulty. In a attempt to reassure myself I went through with him about the plan and our rules. I feel weird thinking about her in his bed and then sleeping in it afterwards . And we taked about whether or not he would use condoms and for what activities. He told me he would use condoms because he "had to" but that I had not cared to. He has rubbed my nose in my mistake every opportunity he has had. And it started stress between us because I basically felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into not using condoms with her. I felt manipulated into and like he was trying to make me feel terrible and allow him to not use them because he did not want to . He feels like I was naive for believing T when afterwards we had a conversation about his sexual history and recent testing and whether or not I needed to get tested. I believed T in that he had had no partners for over a year and had been tested recently. My partner tells me that he was not trying to guilt trip me and that he reacted because he still feels bad and weird about it. I just feel like an emotional mess. I feel worried about said new girl because shes tiny and I have gained weight and I feel weird thinking about my bf engaging in long planned out sexual acts with her that i know once they start will happened repetitively. I am worried he will invest more time with her or will be more interested in her because its new. I am literally driving myself crazy. Any advice would be loved and I understand I have made mistakes and most of this is coming from my own insecurities within myself. I just dont know how to deal with these feelings. I dont know how to help him feel better. Please try to be kind this is all incredibly new for me