Let me try phrasing it this way... If you put all those in order of preference over time or in buckets, what order/buckets would they be in? Because you cannot have all these at the same time right now. Here's my guess... correct what I guess wrong.
DEALBREAKERS (without these, I can't be in healthy relationship here)
(in this order, or some other order?)
- I want my wife to understand poly me.
- I want my wife to stop doing (list behaviors).
- I want my wife to start trusting me by (list behaviors).
WILLING TO BENDS
- If she can trust me, then I am willing to try keep my monogamous marriage even though I don't want monogamous marriage for myself.
UNFILED / COULD LIVE WITHOUT?
- I want to be in an open relationship with my wife.
- I want to be in an open relationship even without my wife.
- I want (something else?)
It's hard to suggest things if I don't know your desired outcome at this time. Or which ones are dealbreakers/hard limits for you, and which are soft limits or "could live withouts" for you.