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Old 02-24-2014, 02:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,221

He talks about how he compartmentalizes everything. His relationship with M2 is in one box. His relationship with me is in another. Any relationships he has with anyone else are in yet another. They don't, in his mind, mix, so it makes no sense that I should be concerned about any relationship he wants to start up with J, because that's a separate box. He tells me that any two people who aren't me shouldn't be my concern.
People don't live in silos -- insulated from everyone else. What you do in one box can and does affect other boxes. To what degree the polymath affects you depends on the configuration of the open relationship.

If he functions as a free agent personality who likes to compartmentalize his relationships, it does not automatically mean YOU function that way in your personality and your relationships. Everyone is different.

But when he says you "shouldn't feel" whatever it is you DO feel, it doesn't make space for you to feel something he disagrees with and talk to him. If all he can do is say "Well, you shouldn't feel that" when you do try to talk, you can't have emotional conversation in a meaningful way because he's not putting himself in your shoes or trying to see your POV. It sounds like just turning the whole thing "off."

It's hard to build trust with a partner who dismisses what you feel, cannot see your POV, etc. Because you don't know if they are going to ding you later. I'm not hearing that he has said anything like "I don't get WHY this bugs you. But I accept that it DOES bug you, so I will try not to ding you in that area."

It may come down to a basic incompatibility in fundamentals. Apples and oranges trying to date.

I get jealous when he's interested in someone else. I know I shouldn't, and simply knowing that he loves me enough to continue spending lots of time with me helps me begin to overcome these feelings.
I don't see how him spending lots of time with you (bowling, shopping, watching movies, whatever you do together) helps you overcome your jealousy feelings. Because that is emotional conversation. When his response to emotional conversation with you is basically "Well, you shouldn't feel that way?" You aren't getting your need for empathy met there with him.

If you can get it elsewhere, that's great. But you aren't getting it here with him and maybe that dims your enthusiasm for dating him. Only you know.

It just seemed bad form to start talking to J with an eye to dating her without at least telling H he was doing it. I know I need to let go of the scarcity mentality.
I agree it is bad form. Nobody says he can't date her. It's HOW he approaches dating her that is bothersome.

I have boundaries, even if he doesn't. So I know now what to expect from him, and will continue to have my own boundaries. If he cares to work with them, all will go well. If not, I will probably have to walk away. We'll see how it goes.
That's pretty much it. He either works with your boundaries (whether he agrees with them or not) as part of the price of admission to date you or he does not. Then you decide to stay with him when he crosses your boundaries or not.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-24-2014 at 02:28 PM.
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