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Old 02-24-2014, 04:23 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25

I wouldn't say sex is a sport, exactly, but rather a part of friendship, to him. Basically, if you meet someone, get to know them a little, and find them interesting, then they automatically enter the pool of people with whom sex is acceptable.

I talked today with my metamour, M2, about this whole thing. She was vaguely carsick at the time, so wasn't able to say much, but when I said, "It kind of bothers me when M hits on everyone I introduce him to," she immediately responded, "Well, that's basically M." So I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She certainly isn't.

I would never try to change him. I couldn't. I talked with him last night to get some deeper insight into how how sees things, so I can frame them in a way I understand. During that conversation, I told him that because J and I had promised each other, long before M ever met her, to tell each other if something bothers us, I had kept that promise. I did apologize for the shitstorm it seems to unleash for him, but said that I would always keep my promises to people, and I would continue to be honest with everyone about how I'm feeling.

He talks about how he compartmentalizes everything. His relationship with M2 is in one box. His relationship with me is in another. Any relationships he has with anyone else are in yet another. They don't, in his mind, mix, so it makes no sense that I should be concerned about any relationship he wants to start up with J, because that's a separate box. He tells me that any two people who aren't me shouldn't be my concern.

So here's my deal, at this point. I know that I'm still coming at this relationship with the mindset of a mono: I get jealous when he's interested in someone else. I know I shouldn't, and simply knowing that he loves me enough to continue spending lots of time with me helps me begin to overcome these feelings. Someone asked why its different if he dates a friend vs. a stranger. I thought about that. I think that, too, comes from a mono place: this is MY friend. And at least in this case, it was about H, too. It just seemed bad form to start talking to J with an eye to dating her without at least telling H he was doing it. I know I need to let go of the scarcity mentality.

I have boundaries, even if he doesn't. So I know now what to expect from him, and will continue to have my own boundaries. If he cares to work with them, all will go well. If not, I will probably have to walk away. We'll see how it goes.
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
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