Thursday the 13th, right before Valentine's Day. I was chatting with his wife and him. I asked them if they were doing anything, etc. They said no. Normal stuff. I had plans to go out to dinner with my husband Friday night. I mentioned to this man that I did want to see him again, over coffee. He said he wanted to get me something for Valentine's Day and I said that wasn't necessary, that we weren't even dating. everything felt right again. Out of the blue, his wife invited me over for the evening. Of course, I was so pleasantly surprised I accepted and brought my 15 year old daughter along. We had a wonderful evening sharing memories, sharing pictures, talking. It was, I thought, a very healing experience. I was, for the most part, ready to put the past to rest. I really liked his wife a lot. It felt like we connected. Everything felt so..right.
After my daughter fell asleep, we spent the night together. In all senses of the word. His wife told me that she never fell in love with a woman before, that she always had to get drunk before a threesome so "she didn't care about the desire and attraction that her husband felt for another woman". Hmmmmm. Not good. By talking and sharing with her, I just got more suspicious. Not of her of him. What the hell was he telling HER? Did she know what he was telling me that he always loved me, that he wanted to "share his life with mine"?
It was a huge red flag that most of the time, this man acted like my husband didn't even exist. My husband was ready for all of us to sit down together and talk, with a few questions of his own. The wife agreed one hundred percent. I wanted my husband involved as well, even though he is monogamous by nature and couldn't see any sexual activity with anybody else but me. But the idea of a "quad" type relationship was something both of us were attracted to and were willing to move forward with. In fact, this meeting was supposed to happen this very weekend.
The beginning of the end. I wanted to spend some quality time with this man, alone time. I suppose I got a bit pushy, although in my defense, this was over Facebook so I was in a constant state of not knowing what the holy hell was going on. This man seemed to be a bit distant to me, but he said he was just exhausted. He's a paramedic so yeah, understandable. We decided on Monday, and he said that if he and I wanted "alone time" we would have to go somewhere else because his wife was off work that day. That took me by surprise, mostly because it was out of the blue. Me and his wife talked about it over the phone, discussed it, she told me she probably never wanted to be around when this man and I were cuddling, kissing, being intimate because she would feel like a 3rd wheel. After some discussion, I understood and respected her POV and agreed with the boundary. Issue solved. I did tell her that I saw that boundary as being problematic in the future, but that her feelings were important and that we were all in this together. Through our conversation, I saw then that she still had an issue with me being in the picture because I was "the lost love from the past". The past, the past. Yeah.
I'll confess that at this point, I didn't handle things very well. I was feeling a bit needy and just overwhelmed. There was a distinct sense of something not right. Things just didn't add up. This man told me, at one point, that "I was probably a better fit for him 20 years ago and today, too" What? I didn't agree with that. He remedied that statement and said that me and his wife were "the two loves of his life". So why did I feel so left out of the equation? I asked his wife at one point if SHE wanted this to work out and she said yes, but did she really? Was he being truthful? I didn't know. By Sunday night, I was trying to desperately recapture the good, right feeling I just experienced. This man and I were chatting and we made plans for Monday. I wanted a specific time but he said he wanted to get some sleep, I made a few jokes about "don't make me wait all damn day" and signed off for the night.
Monday morning, I woke up to 2 messages. From her: "I got home from work, watched the walking dead, talked with J. hi" From him: "Tomorrow's not going to work because my son is off school". I probably did overreact to that, big time. It sounded like a big blow off to me. I sent him a few messages back and they were up and down, all over the place. I felt like my feelings and needs were not being considered at all. Everything just came to a volatile head with me. I was hurt, angry, confused. Did I have a right to be? I don't know.
To wrap this up, there was a brief spat over Facebook. Some of it might have been a big misunderstanding. I was feeling kind of done and told him so. He responds with "I'm tired of your threats and manipulation. Don't contact me again. goodbye".
And that's it. I sent a message to his wife, apologizing and assuring her I was completely out of the picture. I'm left with trying to sort everything out, analyzing my actions, feeling like I just got chewed up and spit out. Was I really being a manipulator? What could I have done differently? The whole thing has felt both surreal and horribly painful at the same time. I desperately would like to sit down with both of them and just hash it all out but that's not going to happen.
For those of you patient enough to actually read this cheerful little story, thank you. I truly needed to get this all out. My husband and I have put poly on the shelf for the time being until we're in a better place to move forward. And when I say "better place" I mostly mean my emotional and mental state. But after talking, we decided it can definitely be an option in the future. We'll do it together. My husband said that it was just the wrong time, with the wrong people. He's absolutely correct.
I'm also offering this up as an object lesson to anybody who needs it. Ignore red flags and warning signs at your own peril. There is more then one heart at stake, and the emotional prices are incredibly high. Take heed, and I apologize for the length of my first post.