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Old 02-22-2014, 04:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,741

Don't know if any of this is useful, but here it is anyway:

1.) I'll echo the others who say that it certainly sounds like he is being a disrespectful douche...if HOW he is saying things is really how you are hearing them.

2.) The "don't flirt with my friends" would be a really hard rule for me, personally, to follow...I "flirt" with EVERYONE I meet - but/and I am only likely to meet friends and friends of friends - I've never dated a stranger. "Don't hit on" (i.e. don't sleep with, don't "allow" things to develop, etc.) would be a bit easier ... but only a bit - I am of the mindset of just letting things happen and not trying to "force" outcomes one way or another. (Which, yes, had gotten me into trouble...but more joy than angst.)

3.) Nevertheless, we (my poly family) do have rules that constrain our relationships - first, and foremost, is respect for each other and all of our partners and potential partners. Secondly, we are not "out" publicly or to our families - although we are out to all of our friends. So "co-workers" and "family members" are on my "messy people" (thank you GalaGirl) list.

4.) I think that allowing things to "settle" after each new addition to the "polycule" is a good idea. Can't remember where I first read about it but it makes sense to me.

- MrS was used to the idea of me developing relationships with women, but when I got together with Dude it seemed a good idea to slow down on all other fronts until we saw how things worked out.

- Dude didn't start looking to date until we had been together for two years. (we were all new to the type of poly config we were living - 2 years is a long time...we seem to have sped up a bit)

- Dude and I had some friction when I was interested in Lotus - so I backed off to "fun friends" until things settled.

- Lotus asked for a "temporary closing" (for the three of us - not MrS or TT) until everyone felt safe and comfortable.

- Six months in and now MrS and Lotus are slowly/gently exploring their attraction.

A few things to consider - a person can be attracted to someone else without acting on it, and sometimes flirting is just flirting; NRE is a time of heightened awareness and tension - which makes it fun for some - but feelings can easily get overwhelming and competition may be triggered more easily; there actually doesn't have to be any RUSH to figure things out - I can let Dude and Lotus enjoy their NRE, if things work out with them, or if they don't, Lotus and I can explore OUR connection at a time when it isn't threatening to other people we care about.

As an aside - in the OP it seems as though you are offended, on behalf of H, that M has been flirting with J - then you turn to talking about M hitting on your friends. Just curious if H, himself, is as offended about M hitting on J? Also, do you consider J your "friend" and therefore off-limits to M? Or is your H allowed to date your friends while M is not?

You can ASK for any boundaries/rules that you would like...which doesn't mean that people will agree to them. (If they DO agree, however, I would hold them to that!). You then get to decide if you are willing to be with someone who won't agree to the rules/boundaries that you need (whether a few stranger on a poly forum think that they are reasonable or NOT). Staying with someone is a choice.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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