Okay, some clarification. On the double date, J was a potential new girlfriend for H. I had assumed that M would respect that H and J were trying to see if they had that "spark" and not hit on her himself.
Are my friends his friends? No, not until I introduced them. And not in a "here's someone you might want to get naked with" kind of way, just, "M, this is my best friend. Best friend, this is M." (He also tried hitting on best friend, who is married and mono. BF shut him down immediately, although M told me yesterday that he COULD get her if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to.)
Yes, London, I guess I did know that. The unfortunate part is that I fell in love. You know, I know he isn't asking more of me than he asks of M2. She, however, is the very picture of compersion. She actually tells M and I how adorable we are together. I know he isn't seeing a few specific people because M2 doesn't like them. I guess because I'm the secondary, I don't really get the luxury of making my feelings known and having them respected?
I guess yesterday just really threw into my face all the realities that I've been studiously ignoring for a long time. He isn't as committed to me as I am to him, although I don't know how committed he can ultimately be. He left his second wife of 12 years a month after she told him she didn't want him seeing M2. (Granted, there were many other problems, but still.) He doesn't take ultimatums well, even though I didn't think I issued one.
A lot of the things he says make sense. He spends a LOT of time with me, even to the exclusion of other people. He does keep coming back to me, just as he always returns to M2. He tells me I need to feel confident in our relationship, but my 40+ years of living in a mono world are a bit harder to just let slip away than that. I understand that his being with someone else doesn't diminish me, or how he feels about me. But it hurts when it's one of my friends, for some reason, or the girl who might be my husband's girlfriend.
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.