Am I being unreasonable?
Please, before I begin: I know that to some of you, what I'm asking might seem stupid or wrong or some other negative thing. I'm here looking for advice, and I really do want to know if I'm in the wrong, but please, please if you need to tell me I'm out of line, don't attack me. Thanks!
I've been dating M for almost a year now. I knew from the moment we got together that he does not limit himself as to how many people he dates/has sex with/is friends with, although during that year, I don't think there have been many besides me and his primary, M2, so maybe I've gotten spoiled.
A few weeks ago, M2 was out of town, and so my husband, (H) and I went on a double date (with M2's full knowledge.) I was with M and H was with J, a potential new girlfriend for him. We all had a nice time. But yesterday, I was at lunch with M, and he told me he'd been chatting J up online, flirting with her. It blew me out of the water. Firstly, because I was horribly jealous. Secondly, it seems disrespectful of H to flirt with his potential gf. Now, I'm thinking that in PolyWorld, I shouldn't feel these ways. But I do. I found it very upsetting. M was very unapologetic. He said he was sorry that it upset me, but he wouldn't apologize for being outgoing, flirty and, essentially, poly.
We talked about it for quite some time, during which I asked him to just not hit on my friends. There are like what: a bajillion people in the world? I would like him to refrain from hitting on the 2 or 3 friends that I have. He told me no, and said that sooner or later, he WOULD fuck one of my friends. That's just how it is.
He then went on to say that he didn't like that I was trying to guilt him into not hitting on my friends by telling him that "my internal happiness was tied to his limiting his external choices." He then went on to say that it worried him thinking about how I might act if it turned out that J (husband's potential girlfriend) ended up liking M2. He's concerned about how I might treat M2 or J if I felt threatened. Again, I'm blown out of the water. I have NEVER treated any of them with anything but respect and love, and that won't change. I'm very non-confrontational, and don't have it in me to be mean to people.
He says I am denying him agency, in service of my own wants and needs. He called me a bully, because in opening up our marriage, I have had a more difficult time that H has, (and I'm not proud of this) but I initially had some difficulty allowing him the same amount of freedom that I had. So M is saying that I've bullied H into doing things the way I want them because H doesn't want to lose me. And yet, I feel that M is bullying me in the same way. In service of his own wants and needs, he will continue to hit on my few friends, whether it bothers me or not, and I can choose to accept it, or lose him.
Am I completely out of line telling him that having him hit on my friends upsets me, and expecting him to actually care about that enough to do something about it? Or am I just being naive?
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.