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Old 02-20-2014, 04:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,929

Let me repeat what I understand so I know I got it, ok? Correct me if I am wrong.
  • She sends you a letter stating she's tired of fussing.
  • So she's pulling the plug on R.
  • Because she can't trust you to work through your stuff and "arrive" at your speed 6 mos hence, so just end it now.
  • She's returning to monogamy with you.
  • Stop talking to her about it all.
  • No nightclubs.

You are unhappy with this letter because:
  • She makes it be "your lack of doing fast enough for me" rather than "her lack of supportive behaviors in transition so ALL can transition well."
  • She did not provide support and nurture to weather it out along the way for you. It takes "drama" for you to finally be heard over the noise of her own emotions regarding R and polyshipping with him. This is tiresome for you.
  • Now she's just giving up seeming to blame your ability when your ability isn't even tested. So you fear she will resent you later when it is her who pulls the plug.
  • You want to make sure that you will get time together and she's not guaranteeing that (you have 7 kids)
  • Dude she's into seems untrustworthy and you don't think she can see that at this time.

Me? My advice?

Take it! Take it and run with it! Even if you have to endure some more fuss as the ripple effect dies down. TAKE IT!

Say something like
"Ok. I will respect your wishes. We return to monogamy and take a "time out" from all this to cool off. But could we set a check in date to discuss 3 month, 6 mos from now? To process all this?"
Give it TIME. Let her chill out and see what you see after a period of "more normal" life. Maybe she will come to see he's scuzzy sounding dude once she is calmer and away from his influence.

More so than anything you SAY, you being there solid speaks louder. You are still here, still in it for the long haul, still trying. I still think she's let NRE go to her head and she's being all loopy. Sigh.

Could wait for her to "unloop" and THEN try to process and have rational conversation here.

I can’t and I don’t believe that those things will happen like I expect them to.
Nope. Not when she has unrealistic expectations of people! And not when she doesn't bother to TRY. It's not like she was helping to make it a success by providing you with clear communication, clear conflict resolution, support and nurture.

She wants to hinge? She could hinge BOTH relationships, not just the NRE one and taking the established relationship one for granted. Hinge position is challenging and frankly -- I don't think she sounds like she's got it together with her intrapersonal and interpersonal skills to hinge well at this point in time.

When you love someone, you want to express it, you want to share it, you want to revel in it.
Yup. When she rushes you, won't listen to your feelings and thoughts -- how is this her expressing her love for you? Sharing in your current journey? Reveling in you and your current experience?

NRE gaga,dude. Not seeing because she's blind right now.

You should know me well enough that you know I just can’t do the things you want me to the way you want it, and I don’t want you to have to live miserable for however long it would have lasted, if it even started.
She's basically not willing to go slow? She'd rather quit than go slow so ALL players can succeed? Quit then. And you be ok with her announcement to quit!

Could not get sucked back into merry go round, or get sucked into being responsible for her feelings. I smell funky blame shift here... but could stay silent. Could accept her decision and NOT be looking to negotiate for the win-win. Could let it END. Could "Ommm".

Could focus on the bigger deal - getting her away from Mr Scuzzy! If she needs it to be your "fault" right now so she can walk away? Could let it be you, so she walks away. Could do this for your wife. Remember she was cutting? Remove all stressy wacky from her life where you can. One thing at a time.

She wants to quit? Then just let it be "quit." Ommmmm.

That is my advice to you.
  • Internally: Take the "quit" as a gift from heaven and dance for joy! Hope she comes back to her senses once she's had time away from NRE cloud to see better. Deal with resentment she might erroneously place on you at THAT point in time. Worry about freedom from Mr Scuzzy at THIS point in time. Prioritize.
  • Externally: Accept. Say nothing. Ommmmm. Continue to weather this out.

Hang in there. It sounds hard watching your partner so besotted she loses sense and reason. Sigh.

Is the cutting still a danger?

I think you could both benefit from counseling -- but one thing at a time here. Allowing Mr Scuzzy to disappear from her orbit by accepting this "I quit!" announcement from her with no comment or fuss sounds all kinds of awesome to me as a first baby step back to wellness. Take it! Take it and run!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2014 at 07:21 PM.
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