Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:39 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from FullofLove1052):
"I know people say that one person cannot meet your needs, but I am finding that I am more fulfilled and happier than I was juggling two full-time relationships."
If one person cannot meet your needs (and I'm sure they can't -- not all of them), then who's to say that two people can meet them (all of them)? The point is that all relationship models have a certain number of people bringing what they can to the table, but even with an exotic feast with cuisine from around the world you still won't have *everything* on that table that you could possibly (want or) need in a relationship.

And as you sort of noted, adding a person comes at a price -- the price of attention, energy, and time. Trading in your life with one partner for a life with two partners means that you now get, on average, half as much attention, energy, and time from each of those two partners, as you would have from just one of them if you didn't have the other partner. So yeah there may be more *kinds* of food to enjoy, but now the portions are smaller. And of course each of those two partners only gets, on average, half as much time, energy, and attention from you as they could have received if they were your only partner.

Love is an abundant resource in a way that time, energy, and attention are not. You may love tons of people but you still have to pick and choose how to divvy up the 24 hours you have in a day. You may have love for all people (or as many people as the human mind can retain in memory), but delivering that love to them requires resources that aren't so abundant. So there are plusses and minuses to living polyamorously, just as there are plusses and minuses to living monogamously. At the end of the day, you have to figure out which costs and returns work the best for you -- and for your family.


As for forgiving your ex, I think it is too early to be trying to make that happen. Letting go of the pain is enough for now. I think you need a long vacation from Si, before you can even think about things like empathy for her. She caused too much damage.

I think she had an unrealistic (and selfish) fantasy of the life she thought she could have with you. It never occurred to her that she was going the wrong way about getting something that really never could have been hers anyway. That's the most I can guess about her thoughts and intentions at this time.

I think that to some extent you are in a grieving process regarding lost time with Matt and the kids. That's time you can never get back again. Your kids are older now, and you can't turn back the clock. So "Part Two" of the forgiveness process is going to take a long time. You need to feel like the loss of past time has been redeemed somehow, some way, and to some extent. Maybe years down the road you will feel less disgusted toward Si, but if and whenever it happens, it's got to be a natural process and can't be forced.

It is a service to her to (ever) sit and listen to her when you don't even feel like doing that much. I think maybe someday she'll appreciate that. I hope so.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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