Originally Posted by kdt26417
I don't know if this helps, but my youngest brother says there are four levels of forgiveness:
- letting go of the pain the person caused you,
- developing compassion and understanding toward that person,
- doing something nice for that person,
- trusting that person again.
The problem with that last (fourth) level is that the person who hurt you has to take action of their own to help restore the trust. And, you must provide for them a series of reasonable steps they can follow in order to get your trust back.
So, we don't always make it through all four levels of forgiveness. But we can usually get through the first three.
How many levels of forgiveness can you do for your ex? What would you need to make that possible?
Maybe approaching forgiveness in light of those levels would help you to get some closure. Who knows.
It does help. I really do not feel any pain. It is more anger, betrayal, disappointment, and disgust.
I feel no empathy or compassion for her. I want to shake her and scream, "Own up to what you did and stop blaming it on everybody." I still have days where the first thought with name association is, "Backstabbing bitch." I have tried to understand why she did what she did, but I cannot put myself in her shoes to walk that path. I do not understand why she did any of it. Was getting rid of Matt worth using my children? Was it going to be worth causing me heartbreak? Was it worth when she was causing me to stress to the point of losing weight? Was it worth it when he left me on Mothering Day? Was it worth it when I/we had to explain to our children where Mummy Si was and why she was not there? Was it worth it when my child was crying behind her? Was it going to be worth watching me go through a nasty custody battle and causing my children to be shuffled between us or causing lifelong scars? I just feel like every answer she could possibly give would be an excuse, or she would make it about herself. She knew the deal. She was not some naive school girl. Her role in my life was clear from day one. My subconscious behaviour continuously backed what that regardless of what my mouth said.
I cannot do anything nice for her. At this point, talking to her once every six months is an accomplishment. I feel nothing when I talk to her. I have no great interest in her life or what she is going through. I have thought about therapy, but the inner ice princess has not warmed to that idea. The first thought is, "She is not worth the money or time."
When hell freezes over, I might trust her again. Our friendship has burned to the ground, and there are no ashes left. It would literally have to be built from scratch, and my thoughts immediately revert back to the investment not being worth the return. I am trying hard to remember the good times and her redeeming qualities, but then I wonder, "Was it all for show or just an act to get in my good graces? What was fact and was fiction?" I have questioned everything about her because what I have learned and seen of her is not the person I loved in the past. That person is no friend of mine, and that person will never be welcome in my life again. After a certain point, it was all about her being a cowgirl and roping me in. I would not classify setting out to hurt someone by proxy as a romantic gesture. Maybe that is just me.
Maybe therapy is the answer. I am not paying for it. At this point, I am not even willing to go half. I know I would not have Matt's full support in this because he has made it clear that she is not welcome around him, our children, or in our home. I am not sure I want to sacrifice x minutes per week for her. I just feel like I would be giving her what she wants: access to me and a new way to piss Matt off, and that does not bode well with me. As I saw a few weekends ago, there is still bad blood between them. She could have killed him with the way she was looking at him. He was looking through her. It was uncomfortable, but he did not say anything to her. I might be willing to do it remotely with boundaries and agreements in place.