Is it wrong that I'm considering reentering the relationship with this other man? If I was reading this my first thought would be 'hell woman, you need to work on the relationship with your husband first'. However, these subby/masochistic itches run very deep in me and without it I find sex incredibly unsatisfying, which is starting to affect my relationship with my husband.
Isn't considering all facets PART OF reentering relationship with your husband so that you and husband can SUCCEED together? Could stop judging yourself for what you feel. You just feel what you feel.
What blocks you from saying to your husband while you are in this renegotiation of marriage phase...
"I want to be with you. But in our time apart I learned that I have BDSM itches that need scratching. So I also want to be free to date other people who meet that need. I don't ever want to ask you to do things you are not comfortable doing.
If we reboot, I am not going back to the old marriage agreements. We would have to work together to make new ones where I am free to date and so are you, if you want it. Are you still up for rebooting with me or not? Please take time to seriously think this out. Could you be willing to let me know in a month where you stand?"
His "willing and able" to participate belongs to him. Ask him respectfully where his "willing and able" lie at this time. Give him respectful time to mull it over.
The only way it is "wrong" to date others is if you have promised to Close again and sneak out behind husband's back to do it. (breaking current agreements)
Don't make promises you cannot keep. If you made them and found out later you cannot keep them? Better to take it back and make new agreements or disband than to cheat on agreements. Keep it clean. Something like...
"Look, I thought I could do _____. I have been trying for X months. I find that I cannot. I need to renegotiate agreements. I don't want to break them behind your back. I want to tell you up front what is not working for me and ask if we can set new agreements."
Right now you sound like you and the estranged husband but are trying to work something out. So... keep working! Accept it might take a few tries before it smooths out. Things usually are not perfect right out of the gate.
Despite efforts on his part these bdsm itches continue to go unscratched, and as result we are considering polygamy.
Since you state he is aware of your BDSM need and you are both considering polygamy -- what's husband's issue?
- This PARTICULAR guy?
- Polyshipping in general?
- Not polyshipping in general, but polyshipping at this time of life?
- Strengthening communication skills first so you are both ABLE to polyship cleanly?
- Is he willing to top you but he doesn't know HOW?
- Something else I cannot think of right now?
You are not clear.