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Old 02-20-2014, 02:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,901
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Sounds like you guys forgot to talk about how you agree to do conflict resolution before the move. It happens. Could address it now.


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My bf hardly wants to acknowledge the fact I am unhappy.
You want him to see that you are unhappy? Anything else?

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She won't talk to him about it.
You expect her to solve (you + bf) problems for you? Or put the hinge person in the middle or play referee? He may not be eager to do this.

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I can tell how terribly disappointed he is.
Have you expressed that to him?

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She has also been acting very catty to me and refuses to give him and I alone time, even though I know we need some.
I do not know what that means to you. Are you saying you expect her to manage your BF's time management? Rather than he manages his time? Are you saying she bursts in the room when you guys are trying to spend time alone?

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All of us are home with each other constantly.
Why? Y'all don't go out to air out?

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My bf doesn't want to talk to me about her rude behaviour to me and gets annoyed when I bring it up.
Are you able to see that you are putting him in the middle when you do this? It is not kind to do to a hinge person. Listening to you complain about his other GF makes him feel how? It might help YOU feel better for the vent, but it doesn't help him to feel good. Can you express yourself directly to her or on this board or to a RL friend instead? You kvetch OUT not in.

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She gets defensive when I try to talk to her.
What about your communication style helps? What about your communication style doesn't help? You do not give an example conversation.

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I just feel disrespected and since her and I understand the triad won't work I wish she would give my bf and I time alone sometimes.
Are you as upset with the BF for not wanting to spend time with you alone as you are the friend for "being around?" It's her home and she's just moved to a new place. Where's she supposed to go if she's not as familiar with the area/built a local community yet?

What "attitudes" are they doing that you find objectionable? You do not elaborate.

Do you offer to give THEM alone time?

If this is a "V" thing rather than a triad -- seems constructive to me to move on to creating a sleeping schedule. 3 people in a 2 bedroom flat. Limit of the space you share.

It's not unkind to have her take the 2nd bedroom or YOU take that room. He is the hinge, so he has to move to and fro. You two could flip for which bedroom you get first for the rest of this lease and agree to switch it if you renew the lease here rather than move to a 3 bedroom flat together.

Then he visits her for sex share in her bedroom. And he visits you over here for sex share in your bedroom. He has to put up with storing his clothes and things in whatever space, but that's the price of admission when you all live in a flat without 3 bedrooms and he's the hinge. One of you has to share the closet with his clothes. He can't leave it in a sloppy pile in the living room -- unless you buy a stand alone wardrobe to put it in neatly and then he can have his clothes there without mess.

If you want to spend time with BF alone for alone time shared, could ask him out on a date and GO OUT alone together. If he says no, you have to manage your disappointment without blaming the other GF. It is the BF not giving you a moment of his time, not her.
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I don't know hOw to bring it up without problems from them. We have never discussed it not working with all of us present
Sounds like something you could try then -- a talk in trio. Older thread, but perhaps reading it helps you figure out some "how" for your situation.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry getting used to the "new normal" is particularly rough right now.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2014 at 03:13 AM.
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