Thanks for the replies. It is difficult, I agree. And before you think we are totally crazy, not all kids live with us at all times and they are somewhat older now but we still have a busy household and the weekday nights usually don't slow down till after 11pm when we are exhausted. That's why the weekends are so precious to me. When I ask her about this she says I should embrace it since it will make her a happier wife. My thought is how is it fair to trade one person's happiness to gain your own. She has no answer for that.
As for "R", since she is in love with him, she cannot/will not see what I see. He has told her that his wife was raped 20 years ago and would go into full panic attack if there was any other man involved besides him. I think there is some truth to the story but I also think it is used as an excuse for him to get a pass on dealing with things. I've met her several times and we've hung out and I never got that level of intense vibe from her. It is probably a no-win for me to push this aspect and all I can do is hope that her NRE doesn't make her completely stupid