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Old 02-16-2014, 09:42 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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does she have the potential to be poly.. sure
does she have the potential to be non-monogamous (a far more flexible and inclusive term)

some of what you said raised some red flags. Here are some of my thoughts and points.

Quote:
I have never been as satisfied with a relationship as I have with the one I am in now, but I still feel as if I am missing out.
Good thoughts. So, in the end, the only thing you can do is decide for yourself if becoming non-monogamous will make you happy.. you also need to decide if msising out, long term, will make you resentful. You then need to figure out what you need to do.

Quote:
but I still have a long way to go when it comes to dealing with feelings of jealousy.
Another good observation about yourself. And good to understand. Jealousy I have found comes from two places from my discussions and experience.

1 - fear of losing something
2 - projecting a want...

Number 1 is the easy one, number 2 is tricky, but the gist of it is simple. You want to bang more people, you feel limited because of insert limitation here, you then project that feeling on your partner.

Quote:
I am a little wary about her past and it does evoke feelings of jealousy sometimes but I feel like I am gaining more control of these feelings over time.
You might want to get a little more introspective about this. Why do you care. Past is past. As you get older you will find less and less partners with less experience than you. My wife has 3x the partners I have had.. she stayed with me haha..

Quote:
She is a spectacular woman, the kind that, when single, enjoys hunting for men to satisfy her desires.
Quote:
. When she is single and free, she has a much higher sex drive, when she is in a serious relationship she says it becomes less about sex and more about other forms of intimacy
Normal reaction is too generic a term. But this all reads relatively normal. I have a good number of female friends who match your descriptions... and are very monogamous (unfortunately for me) Don't take those snippets and assume anything.

Quote:
I feel like this was a reaction to her feelings of jealously and perhaps not what she really wanted out of our relationship.
Relationship lesson number 1 - communicate.. ask her.. don't assume. And then trust her communication. If she fails to communicate her actual desire to you, thats he problem. But you can't assume this is true otherwise it will eat you up.

Quote:
She has told me how wonderful it feels to be with someone that allows her to be free after having jealous and controlling boyfriends in the past. She gives me a lot of latitude as well, and we both trust each other, although I feel like I trust her and give her more freedom than she does me.
The level of douchbaggery perpetrated by partners out there who suffer from jealousy knows no bounds. Again this is relatively common. Monogamous people quite happily flirt and communicate and even mimic dating habits while monogamous. It just happens to go again all the things that some groups of mono-pushers believe to be true.

I think its awesome you have that trust, but again its non and indicator of non-monogamy.

Quote:
I am very confused and I have many questions, like am I polyamorus? Could she possibly be polyamorus? How do I talk with her about this without upsetting her? I feel like my control over feelings of jealously are to the point where I might be able to be in a poly relationship, but how do I know for sure? I know that her feelings of jealously are not compatible but how could I help her grow so that someday she might be more compatible with polyamory?
Only you know if you are poly. Only you can control you. If you are poly.. then you need to figure out how to make that work with your partner.

Only she will know.. you could help expose her to it to see if she is, but don't assume she is. I don't find anything you have indicated to be a poly specific set of traits. So I wouldn't put the cart before the horse.

You don't control jealousy. You learn to accept things that happen without expectations. If you think you have control of jealousy, you could end up hurting yourself. At least in my opinion.

You can't help her grow, she has to grow. You can provide information I suppose, but in the end, these are all individual journeys, we just end up growing together or splitting apart. Not that different than monogamy actually. Stagnation of one partner can be the death of a mono relationship.

[quote]I don't want to ruin my relationship so I know I need to be careful and take things slow. I feel like not only could I accept her being with other men, but that it would make me happy to see her free.]/quote]

does she want the freedom or do you?

So those are a lot of broken responses. But the gist of my message

1 - you can only control and understand yourself
2 - You cannot control the other outcomes or questions
3 - You cannot guess at your partners intentions, personality, want, needs etc. They need to tell you. And if they can't... don't cator to them and try guessing, ask.

With your post, I don't know if either of you are poly or non-monogamous.. you need to have those discussions together. Thats your starting point.. ..

good luck..
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