I'm just going in circles because i'm bored and it's cold!
The primary issue was that he was gone every week for 24 hours. Every week I felt angry and resentful. It was hard for me, but I made the boundary that I wanted him to spend the nights there that would fit into our work schedule.
This took a lot of bravery for me, and I'm proud of it. In the posts here there is often a lot a pressure to be sensitive to the secondary. I understand that this might be because "primaries" are considered having more power or say... I understand that... but an "fair" relationship between 3 people to me would be three people considering the needs of, well, three people. I am just not seeing that. For example, the few times she has asked us to go out, she's done it with very short notice and through my husband with no regard for my plans...like a dumb ass, I went because my husband put pressure on me, but that's totally against my boundaries. It's very important to me that people honor my schedule.
I don't think what I'm doing is anything but healthy.