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Old 02-16-2014, 03:33 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
First off, why does everyone seem to automatically assume that the OP's primary is his wife?
It looks more like one person assumed it, and the others read that person's post, probably assuming that person had some additional information not included in the post.

I see this happening all the time on here lately and it's starting to get annoying that the assumption is always Primary = Wife/ Husband.
I don't see that happening hardly at all, let alone "all the time." I see people speaking of their own spouses, and replying to posts explicitly discussing spouses of OPs, but most people use the term "partner" if a more specific relationship isn't explicitly mentioned.

Maybe it's just a hot-button issue for you, so you "ping" every time you notice it, and that makes it seem like "all the time?"

With background from his other posts, I'd say that after having been open for years, yes, I'd expect to be able to ask my partner to respect my new partner. If my partner did not want to meet them in person, I'd still request that if my new partner contacted them to verify that we were in an open relationship, they would at least respond politely.
Sure, respect. But that's a two-way street. It includes OP respecting his partner's boundaries.

I fall into the camp that thinks it's silly to put up walls against meeting metamours. Living in a society means meeting people, some of whom you want nothing to do with. But above that, I fall into the camp of respecting autonomy, including one's right to do silly things.

Do I think the OP's partner is being silly? Sure I do. One meeting isn't going to kill her, and she's making a mountain out of a molehill. Avoidance is a terrible way to deal with negative emotions, it solves nothing. Being incapable of being adult about something is, by definition, immature. Refusing the meeting or even an e-mail is inconsiderate of her partner's needs. But those are all would-be responses to the OP's partner, were she to come here and say "I don't want to meet my metamour... what do you think about that?"

The OP's question was, is it fair to pressure his partner to do something she doesn't want to do? The answer is no. What the OP chooses to do with that refusal is up to him. If he thinks that having a partner who refuses to meet his metamour is going to cripple his ability to live a successful polyamorous lifestyle, then he has a choice to make: forget about poly, or forget about the partner.

I'm also wondering how well he's expressed his own needs and feelings in this situation. If he's presenting all this to the primary in terms of what the secondary wants, it's easy to see why she would fail to give a fuck. Pleasing the secondary is not her responsibility. However, this clearly affects him as well. He's feeling hurt because his need for acceptance and support is not being met.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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