P is so sad
P just left. Holding back tears.
I wish it were different.
Before he left we had a "short sleep" that lasted longer than we had anticipated, so we didn't get around to making love as we had planned when we crawled into bed.
We never did get around to the relationship agreement.
This morning he asked when I might be comfortable with him leaving clothes here again. I was honest and said I didn't know.
But he did ask if I wanted him to stay more. YES!!!!!! But I let him know it would be different, that if that happens I could not put off things that need to get done. He asked or examples. Like housekeeping, dishes, work related stuff. And he said it would be more like living together.
Yes, but I would still not consider it living together, it would be longer visits. With thinking of it as living together I would have expectations, like financially contributing to the household, and I know he is unable to do that - so I can't allow myself to think of him being here in those terms and cope.
He got sad, pulled away and said it would be him passing through. No, I wanted to shout.
I said we don't have to define it in the same way, but he pulled further away and said that, Yes, we do.
He was very sullen as he dressed and packed to go home. He messaged that he loved me. I love him with all my heart and soul. When I came back in the room he kept pulled away. I reminded him how much I love him. "You don't even call me your boyfriend." No, I don't. I'm not going to lie to him. To protect my heart, I do not call him my boyfriend nor a partner. He is my love, my soulmate, even more than he is my "friend with benefits for now."
He knows I love him. And I wish he could see into my heart. I reminded him to look at my actions.
P is home now. Messages that is fine, but shaken. And that he needs to digest the differences in how we define our relationship.
I asked if I had misled him in any way, and he reassured me that I haven't.
Time to do dishes and get ready for this evening's work. Tomorrow life "alone" returns, and with it all the responsibilities. Fortunately I have a friend coming over in the morning to help re-caulk around the tub. Will probably make lunch for him as a thank you.
Life goes on. I will see P again on Wed when he visits again.