Originally Posted by alibabe_muse
One great piece of advice my poly circle is finally incorporating is "go at the pace of the who is slowest". Just remember that at this time in all this NRE, wife is slowest, need to go at her pace. If she's not ready to meet her metamour, she's not ready & accept she may never want to meet metamours. Its called respecting her and the only red flag/warning sign is recognizing you're being pushy.
While the advice, "go at the pace of the slowest," is a nice and considerate thing to do, it's not always the best. As GalaGirl pointed out, it's not actually being nice to let someone live in denial-- as appears to be the case. Well, it's one of the possibilities in this situation.
I'm all for letting the wife ease herself into comfort, but again, as was pointed out, this has been three years? And the wife still can't even bear the thought of knowing who he is with? This speaks to insecurities on her part that probably need to be addressed. It's not unfair of the "secondary" to want to feel that the wife is accepting of this (I mean, suppose the OP was lying and having an affair?) A one time meeting is not asking her to be a BFF. The wife needs to grow up here, imo. Or they need to be mono. Or find a woman who is okay with DaDt.
Especially after reading London's story. I know what happened to her is not unique, and therefore don't think I'm paranoid in encouraging the OP's girlfriend to get the wife on board. Even if it means pushing boundaries. Sometimes being "pushy" is okay