Originally Posted by PolyinPractice
There's no requirement for her to be involved. But if she is literally unable to meet or contact your girlfriend-- that is a warning sign. This is the kind of situation that ends up with you in love with both and living two different lives...may even have to pretend to your wife that the girlfriend doesn't exist. That gets pretty tricky.
OP, honestly, if your wife never wants to meet her metamour or if she does meet but isn't interested in building a friendship with her, it should not be seen as a warning sign but that you need to quit pressuring her to push her boundaries. I've recently had to tell bassman and wild orchid (my metamour) that I am not ready to be besties with her and that I'm not ready for family activities (unless my boundaries on PDA is respected). Seriously if my husband was told that's a warning sign I'd be a little pissed. That's lack of respect for someone's comfort level. Hub & gf have been together since the end of October. I experience lots of compersion when he's with her & maybe one day I'll be okay with love share BUT I'm not there yet. Its possible I never will be.
The more bassman pressures me or tells me it'd be great if one day all of us can love share, I feel pressure, anxiety and that I'm taking 20 steps backward instead of one baby step forward at a time. Once they stopped pressuring me, guess what? I felt like me again, me who can choose who I want in my intimate circle of family and friends and lovers.
Now if the relationship was broken to begin with that's another story and poly won't solve those problems.
One great piece of advice my poly circle is finally incorporating is "go at the pace of the who is slowest". Just remember that at this time in all this NRE, wife is slowest, need to go at her pace. If she's not ready to meet her metamour, she's not ready & accept she may never want to meet metamours. Its called respecting her and the only red flag/warning sign is recognizing you're being pushy.