Originally Posted by faraday
I have thought long and hard about contacting her. And I think if my ex and I where still communicating I would try it. I'm worried if I contact her now she will think it's just so she will say we can talk again.
My ex told me she's really disliked me from the first time we met. I sort of thought that was true but I wasn't sure. When my ex met my current partner before he left he hugged him and whispered "Take care of her". My partner and I both found it really touching. So when I first met his wife I did the same thing. And apparently since then she has hated me. She thought I was being possessive and controlling.
She doesn't know me. She doesn't live anywhere near me. We've interacted all of 3 or 4 times. And since the first time it hasn't been for more then like 10 or 15min at a time. And everything she knows about me is from her husband who hasn't known me well since I was 18 or 19. So I'm sure all the stories she has heard about me are not positive. I would love the chance to talk to her. To reach out in some way. But I'm frightened that she will take it the wrong way. Or that it will upset the work they are doing on there relationship. And I wouldn't want to contact her without talking to my friend first and right now that would be crossing a line that has been pretty clearly put out there.
I think I'm doing an okay job of not disliking her, of keep my heart open to her. She must be pretty amazing and I think if I could just meet her at an even place we would get along. But I don't know if that is the right choice right now.
So-here is my suggestion.
Whenever their anniversary comes around, send a card, addressed to THEM, put her name first (I know not miss manners appropriate but whatever).
In the card write a heartfelt message to them congratulating them on their anniversary.
Include a short note to her that you are so happy that your friend has found such a wonderful woman to love and cherish and care for, who also loves, cherishes and cares for him.
Nothing more-nothing less.
Then step back-might have to do that a few years. But it's worth a try.
IF you get a thank you, great. THEN make sure you know when her bday is-send her a REALLY nice card wishing her a great bday and expressing that you hope it's all she ever longed for.
If not-try again next year.
So often we take the "either or" response to things. Either I AM friendly with this person or I am NOT.
But trust and friendship grow with time and opportunity.
We CAN create opportunity even if the other person is scared shitless or we made a move that they interpreted badly at the beginning. It's just that we have to create that opportunity ALL THE MORE GENTLY.