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Old 02-15-2014, 08:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
Is anyone in a similar situation where someone is at work all the time and then has set night. What are your responsibilities to a lover who wants to be totally on the side?
LoL I have a bit of both, but in two partners. Fortunately, I'm independent and it doesn't bother me. I also don't have kids, so that's a huge difference in terms of responsibility. Grown-ups can take care of their own needs, but kids need their parents to be present and responsible.

Gralson works out of town a lot. It's challenging for sure. So when he's off work, I earmark those days for spending time with him, and I tell Auto that I won't be available.

Auto and Zoffee have Friday night Date night. That used to be the day that all the kids when to their other dad's house, but that's changed since his work days changed. Auto works a lot too, and she has lots of extracurricular activities that keep her busy, but we don't live together or co-parent, so it's not the same at all.

Originally Posted by bofish View Post
In the end, I sounded whiney here. I am interesting in dialoging about how people do things...but I need to be more unapologetic for getting my needs met. That is part of the issue. Can anyone give a link here to a similar situation.
Not a similar situation, but on the topic of getting one's needs met without guilt or shame... look up Nonviolent Communication. It's a way of looking at life in terms of feelings and needs, such that you try and accommodate everyone's needs, foremost your own. Amazon links: this and this

You're 100% correct that you need to learn to take care of your needs without any feelings of guilt or shame. I'm trying to teach Gralson the same thing. His mother was emotionally manipulative, and would make him feel guilty if he didn't do what she wanted. He would oscillate between being her slave and then skipping town all together and ignoring her phone calls. To say it was dysfunctional is a huge understatement. As nice as it might sound to be married to someone who'll do anything for you, regardless of whether they really want to, the reality is that you always pay for it. Any favour done for any reason other than you want to, will always leave you feeling resentful, and then you'll resent the person who asked you to do it. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to yourself.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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