View Single Post
Old 02-15-2014, 07:48 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,401

Disclaimer: I don't do sugar coating.

Originally Posted by Wyrdkiss View Post
My "secondary" (we both dislike that term)
Then don't use it. Give her a nickname on here, and use her real name in real life.

You see, my primary wants to support me, but she and I together do not know the answer to this:

IS MY PRIMARY PARTNER "on board" with us being open if she refuses to write to or meet my secondary (my secondary, F, has reached out and offered to meet her).
Yes. More precisely, if she's otherwise on board with being open, then refusing to interact with your other partner does not negate that.

Is she crippling us unconsciously?
We're not mind readers. Impossible to say. Any claims to the contrary are conjecture and loaded with personal assumptions.

When offered to meet my secondary, She says she, "can't be that adult about it right now." Does that mean she cannot be even in an open relationship?
No. It means she needs time and space to process what she's feeling.

Is it totally unfair of me to request my primary write her and offer some kind of connection, some reassurance of approval and awareness, however minimal?
It's never unfair to request anything. Bear in mind that requests are not demands, and requesting something does not entitle you to receive it. If you make a request and she denies your request, then follow your own advice: pull up your big boy pants and get over it.

Continually pressuring someone to give in to your requests turns them into demands. Making demands is unkind and a great way to ruin a relationship.

She feels pressured by my suggestion that it is her half of the responsibility and commitment for us to truly give this a go.
You're pressuring her so she feels pressured. Shocking.

I'm not hearing any empathy or consideration for your primary's feelings. Clearly she's struggling with this, and rather than being supportive and loving, you're pressuring her and making demands. Keep it up, and it won't just be your secondary you lose.

Whose idea was it to open the relationship? That has bearing on how much "responsibility" she has to make it work. If this was all your idea, then you get more than just half the responsibility in making it work. What's in it for her?

I feel a lack of consideraton and committment from her regarding out lifestyle agreement, and I may lose my secondary because of it.
If this is the only issue, then it sounds like you're blowing it out of proportion. If there are other signs and reasons that trigger these doubts, then focus on those and take it all as a whole.

Does my primary have the right to be herself in this, doing it her own way
Damn right she does. It's called "autonomy" and it's a need that all humans share. We all get to make our own choices. And we most certainly get to be ourselves and do things our own way.

You really need to be told this??

or does she need to put on her big girl pants and step up, reach out, and aknowledge my secondary kindly?
Is your secondary so self-conscious and feeble that she requires other people to acknowledge and accept her in order to feel valued? If so, then that's your secondary's personal self-esteem issue and learning to cope with that is 100% her responsibility.

There's no rule that says everyone has to like everyone. Some couples agree that they'll meet each other partners. Others agree never to see or hear of them. Emphasis on agree, as in two-way mutually decided, free from coercion and manipulation.

It's a question of what works for the people involved. It's unclear whether not meeting your other girlfriend actually "doesn't work" for you and the other girlfriend, or if you guys are just falling into some trap about "the one and only correct way to do poly." There's no such thing.

But ultimately, if your primary refuses to meet the other girlfriend, then short of stalking her and forcing a meeting (which is totally uncool), there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. If that's a problem for you, then you're well within your rights to evaluate whether or not this form of open relationship is suitable for you.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote