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Old 02-14-2014, 02:37 PM
Amanita Amanita is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: All over the place
Posts: 27

The thing that troubled me more about that part was that he was keeping secrets about what he was doing, which conflicts with what Nichtdaisy seems to want to achieve, which is honesty. Also, the double-standard bothers me - that it's okay for him to do what he wants, but not for her (if I've understood this correctly). Or rather, perhaps, that he has trouble with her exploring polyamorous relationships, while he expects her to be okay with his explorations.

Aside from the honesty aspect, I think equality is an important thing - both partners should have the freedom to explore to the same extent as each other. Whether or not they take it up is their choice of course, and there may be differences in *how* they take it up, which warrants further discussion.

(Sorry to talk about you, rather than to you, Nichtdaisy!)

To go back to your question the other day:
Has anyone here felt really stuck articulating what they want from their primary partner in terms of space and perimssion when their primary partner is struggling deeply with something else? Its so tempting to drop my needs and not do anything to further shake my primary's confidence in himself when he is feeling this down, but if I look back on the last six months, he is always down, always discouraged, and I already feel like I am treating him with kid gloves, which is making me a little resentful. But, I don't want to kick a man when he is down!
Life is, sadly, most inconvenient and often packages ALL the dramas up at the same time. For example, along with navigating our new polyamory journey, Astraeus and I are currently dealing with the fall-out from tension with his parents (going back years, but recently ramped up because of our choices w.r.t. exploring polyamory), and also extreme financial difficulties. It's exhausting, but we are trying our best to keep on top of all the issues because none of them can be feasibly put aside at the moment.

While I can understand your desire not to put more pressure on your guy because of the other things going on in his life, you should also take a look at whether you really can put aside your own desires for the time being - you may find that doing so eventually introduces more tension between you due to your frustration. Again, good communication about your respective wishes and needs should help here.

Coincidentally, while looking for something else on the forum I found this article linked: How to Make It Work - Tools for Healthy Polyamorous Relationships. These guidelines seem to be a very sensible approach, IMO. Maybe they are a good springboard for further discussion.

Hope your coffee date went well yesterday (? not sure, re: timezones). All the best with working things out!

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