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Old 02-13-2014, 02:56 PM
Wyrdkiss's Avatar
Wyrdkiss Wyrdkiss is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: West Coast, USA
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Thank you, everyone, for the time you've offered us thus far.

A few responses first

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devirajni View Post
...Also, anyone who is already claiming "secondary" status three weeks in is a fast mover; maybe everyone should slow down a bit. If she likes you, she will wait until your existing partner is more comfortable before demanding increasing levels of connectedness and intimacy. If she wants to move on before you can provide that, then it doesn't sound like she is into YOU, she is into the idea of a relationship and it doesn't matter who it is with. Just my two cents. Good luck!

I definitely appreciate you reminding me that a new play partner NRE does not justify any pressure on her part for my primary to act in a way she is uncomfortable, or for me to become some sort of dysfunctional liaison. Good points, and taken to heart.

Note Devirajni: "secondary" was used for ease of context, not literally when posted. I must learn, however, that those words should be used accurately here to gain the most accurate feedback possible -- and not confuse or annoy the rest of you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Just read back your OP and listen to yourself. You need to put on your grown up underwear and stop being so insensitive and demanding.,
You are absolutely right London. I've apologize to my partner for the pressure I created be even asking the question of her, by even raising the issue at this point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post

IMO OP, you are 100% in the wrong here.
Thank you for the feedback as well Inyourendo. Sometimes we just need to read it from someone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I partially agree with Dev, in that it is your partner's choice how fast to move with your new partner. She is NOT in a relationship with her; you are. She doesn't ever have to meet her. You have to trust her choices.

There is the risk that if she chooses to uninvolve herself from a part of your life, that she might find herself "out of the loop," when it comes to major parts of your life, feeling as if she's excluded- BUT THAT WAS HER CHOICE. And she may be totally okay with not knowing that half of your life.

The red flag, for me, is that you say the reason for this is not a lack of interest, but because she is "struggling to get past her fears I will fall in love with someone else." This speaks to a "don't ask, don't tell," relationship, and usually indicates major issues with the relationship. I can totally understand your new girlfriend being wary of your partner's insecurities with poly as a whole.
Yes PolyinPractice -- it's true we have our agreements down, but what is truly comfortable with her, TRULY desired in the context of our arrangement we haven't faced. I know her discomforts, but not my partner’s real interest in an open lifestyle, if she has any. She can articulate them logically, but there is a definitive disconnect in application.
We are not necessarily striving to be poly at all, we are striving to be prepared and accepting of what life offers us.
I tend to care about people I am explorative with for the most part.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What pops out to me seems to be that she might have agreed to participate in a polyship she is not on board with. To me "not sure" is less than "joyous yes." So it counts as "no" if it is time to make the final call. Cannot be on the fence forever.

.....

That is no foundation for a healthy polyship if one of the players is loathe to be there.

Galagirl
Your ENTIRE post was spot on Gala, very perceptive. These issues are unfortunately quite complex, but what it boils down to is regardless if we try open or if we "go" monogamous, it is prompted and fettered out of her fear either way.

She probably doesn't want anything to do with flexibility. Not truly, deeply inside.
Yes she fears I will leave her if we close up the relationship and other areas don't rectify themselves. We have some different sexual and social interests, energy, comfort, modes of expression and lifestyles at this point. that is why I thought being open would be a relief for both of us.

So yes, she feels quite stuck.

And so do I.

We have many years together, and love our life aside from this (considerable) disparity.

So with that said, it is fascinating that this question of logistics and protocol took us right back to the start, thanks to the veterans on this site and their honest feedback.

What to say from here, I'm at a loss for words. Fear is the mindkiller, and I feel pressured regardless to be the one to make the decision -- and be it open, mono or break up, it's still feels all on me...

There are two west coast workshops approaching -- one on doing Poly well, the other on how to handle jealousy and insecurity even before attempting to open, or for those who have and struggled.

Perhaps attending both of those, then sorting the dominoes where they fall is our best strategy at this point.

In addition to me becoming a better listener -- and actually doing something with what I'm hearing -- I am going to encourage my partner to jump on this site and ask her own questions, explore her own topics, and perhaps that will help us take a direction together, any direction, with less fear.

Last edited by Wyrdkiss; 02-13-2014 at 03:00 PM.
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