Almost the fake holiday of lovers
The return from WA was a return to reality.
A few days alone, coming back to grips and reminding myself he is just a friend with benefits whom I love who visits when he can.
Before I left, a good friend went into the ICU. I got to visit her a couple days after her release. It will be a year before she is back up to speed. In the meantime she is home only because her son and his fiance were willing to move in & care for her 24/7. I offered to be respite care whenever they need a break.
It was a wake up call for me.
P came to visit again. We were watching a show about lesbian life in NY. P wanted to talk so we paused the program. He reconfirmed he believed that we were at a point where we might add a third, have a triad with another woman. I lost it. Asking him how he still had the idea that I would want another partner if it were a woman when I don't want ANYONE else. Conversation ensued, and he tried to tell me he wanted to choose to be monogamous with me, while splitting his living time between me and his "best friend" (wife PW).
That aggravated me - he only gives me indications that she frustrates him, unfairly ties his purse strings, doesn't give him the time of day except when she needs transportation - and he has the gall to call her "Best Friend"?!? With a friend like that, who needs enemies!!!!
But the emotion that won over was just loss. I was crying. I talked & he listened. I poured my heart out - what if what happened to my friend had happened to one of us?
If it were me, he would not have been allowed into the ICU. I would not be able to afford to live without income for a year plus medical expenses without insurance (yeah - obamacare no help to me). Would she consent to him helping care for me daily physically, much less financially - I highly doubt it.
If it were him, I could not have seen him in the ICU. And if he needed to be close to the hospitals & docs his insurance covers he would need to stay in the house with his wife - would she consent to me being there to care for him - I doubt it.
If it were her, I would offer to assist with her care - not because I give a rat's ass about her - but to support my Love, my P. But I doubt she would consent to even that.
So we're all screwed.
So I further resigned myself to I am financially alone, and without a partner I can truly count on to be there to help. I permit myself to love him one visit at a time.
P acts as if I'm the only one who encourages him, believes in what he wants to do with his career. I am just a mirror so he can see what is already there in him.
I cannot hold my life because he says he needs me. I am codepenent enough. He says he feels he is a burden to me. I disagree. His emotional support to me is better than I have ever known.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. I need to ramp up my income & get at least health benefits. I am applied to go back to college, but can't decide to do that - for athletic trainer ($$ but really job I'd want) or for marketing (I'm passionate about it for my own business & the non-profit we volunteer for) or to go to a tech school to become an ADHD Life Coach & add that to my current business. College didn't get processed in time for spring semester - thanks to a transcript delay from a college I took two courses at for fun 2 decades ago - so I have some time to figure that out.
As much as I'd like to sit around waiting to find out if P will find his dream job, where it will be, and if PW will follow him, dump him, or stay put and just expect him to send $$. I can;t afford to put off my own life. Sounds so selfish. But I am responsible for my own situation, and sometimes emotional happiness has to get set aside for survival. I did it for 22 years of my 23 year marriage, I'm sure as single person it won't be as difficult? Or maybe worse because I actually know what it feels like to be loved?
Life sucks. But at least I'm getting better about asking P to reimburse me for expenses he has made promises to cover. Separate checks are OK. Baby steps. I can't afford to subsidize someone whose income makes mine look paltry just because I don't have to ask permission of anyone else to spend it in the first place.
I even told him perhaps he should be grateful that she relieves him of the burden of having to decide what he can afford or not. This was after he had asked me to go "toy" shopping with him and I said the trip wiped out any discretionary funds for a bit.
Add to it my empty nest looming with the loss of what my son's GF contributes towards utilities and realizing the well used appliances my son owns that will go with him & need to be replaced (vacuum cleaner, rice cooker, slow cooker.)
Life sucks, but the sun will rise tomorrow. And I will awake, get dressed and go to work. P will be here for a two night visit when I return. Perhaps we can FINALLY get to that relationship agreement he had agreed we would work on? Not holding my breath & not wanting to be the parent & always nag.