Help - I'm Limerent/Can't Get Over Someone I Never Dated and It's Ruining My Life
This problem that I am about to share with you is extremely personal. Very few people know the true gravity of this. It shames me to reveal the horrendous reality that I am no longer the sole centerpiece of my life. It makes me feel as though I've lost control and pieces of myself as a result. Although I'm a nerdy alt chick, I am far from socially inept and the frequency/amount of romantic/sexual interest that others express for me indicates that I've got something going on.Although I've gained some weight due to depression, I've always carried it well and I've been paid to model on multiple occasions. I've been told I'm a great conversationalist and that I have an excellent understanding or "grip" of social situations. Unfortunately, I'm usually not interested in the people that ask me out. I am turned on by intelligence and go for nerdy guys, but that's often the only thing we have in common and my good looks simply aren't good enough to compensate for my quirkiness, regardless of how charming it might be. Admittedly, I'm pretty out-there but I am cognizant and far from creepy, nor do I make people feel uncomfortable with it, especially since everyone tells me that is their favorite thing about me and I'm quite popular. People also tell me without any provocation on my part that I'm one of the most likable and genuine people they know.
Anyway, I guess I should get on with dragging this skeleton out of my closet...
I was going to give you some details as to what happened, but I realized that it would be fruitless because honestly, the surrounding details would only detract attention from the heart of the matter. I have severe oneitis that has done some serious damage to my physical and psychological health. (I was starving myself at one point and didn't realize I was becoming dangerously underweight until I examined my "adjusted" BMI.) I had a crush on this really nerdy guy who was also really alternative like me and into a lot of the obscure music and oddities that I'm into. Other factors compounded the situation revolving around his rejection that made the experience VERY traumatic. (He didn't attack me, but after I thought he had rejected me the first time, I left his place and got raped by someone else right afterwards. He knows about it - well, the people at his place had to know about it because the guy was, come to find out, an actual serial rapist. That, and a series of other really fucked up incidents surrounding it made my life a living hell for a while.) I just graduated from our college in Maryland in 2013 but he graduated the year prior, although I'd see him around campus sometimes. Whenever I would see him around on campus after he stopped attending, it would ruin my entire day and sometimes, my entire week. If I encounter his name or photo or even his friend's photos somewhere, it freaks me out. I can't describe the strange intermingling of panic and compulsory intrigue if I see a picture of him. It scares me and just the thought of it gives me shrill goosebumps.
Fucked up part: I never even got his number. Yup, and it was still one of the most stressful and awkward interpersonal conflicts I've ever endured. I still liked him a lot and he'd come visit the coffee shop I work at in town once his friend came in and saw me there, but never really asked me out or anything, seeing as he's really awkward. I'm always afraid of "projecting" or deluding myself into thinking someone's attracted to me so I'm hypervigilant to the point of paranoia, although I've been told that I remain suave nonetheless and appear cool to outsiders. I've always had "dismissive" attachment issues due to how many let-downs I've had.
Years later, he lives states away. I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend. (The fact that he's probably dating who he is, is actually really bad but I don't want to impose those morbid details upon you because I don't want to derange your faith in humanity more than it already is. It's definitely part of why I've been so scrambled for years.) I would love to wake up and not think about him for but one day. I have PTSD and this situation often haunts me through those symptoms such as intrusive thoughts. I'm still basically obsessed with a stranger. I've come a long way, but I'm obviously still wounded, seeing as I'm here writing about it. It makes me feel so psychotic despite the exterior composure I'm determined to maintain.
I didn't discover the diagnostic term "Limerence" until way later.
Long story short: I feel unspeakably inadequate for failing to be the girl of his dreams and make him fall in love with me. It scares me to think how if he were to randomly show up some time, I might consider running away with him for a flash millisecond. Despite my ardent attempts to evict him from my mind, his memory lingers alongside many others in the nightmarish phantasmagoria of trauma. It has negatively impacted my functioning and caused me immense devastation. I hate this lack of control. I would love to be rid of this horrid complex. If I were in a monogamous relationship, I would feel like I was having an emotional affair with my imagination. I've talked to my psychologist about it at decent length and I've tried to impress the extent of pain it has caused me. She listens, understands and actually doesn't seem concerned, but this might also be because I am so mortified about the situation. I hate feeling obsessed over someone who probably never thinks about me. If he wanted to be (t)here for me, then he would be in my life but he obviously isn't. My attention is not deserved nor welcomed. I've also harbored a fear of failing in the field we work in, simply because I would feel humiliated by not making anything of myself and him being solely existent to see it or worse, be more victorious than me. (I'm usually NEVER, EVER this petty. It would break my soul if I weren't able to "live the dream" while he was, as though it would be an "I told you so" or something.) The fact that I am struggling to keep a menial job that requires everything that I am not good at as I look for another job - while not fruiting any responses - isn't helping. Suicidal thoughts are starting to well up again, although they're not as strong as they once were even a few months ago. I could be in a bad mood about anything and it gets traced back to this. Like I said, I feel like because I failed to captivate this person's heart, that I'm not worthy and belonging to the little inclusive club of people who have his approval seems to mean the world to the parts of my heart and brain that fixate on this. His reciprocation and overall approval is what I wanted more than anything.
Can anyone please help me? This is the first time I've actively begun asking for help on the internet about it. I can't survive becoming more consumed by this. This is terrible on so many accounts and I feel so pathetic for how my compulsory longing rebels against my higher knowledge. So ashamed that I'm even afraid of being discovered by posting this, even though it's unlikely somebody will see this and go, "Hey, I went to college in Maryland! It must be that girl!" Seriously, I'm SO scared.
I can't begin to tell you the extensive damage it's done to my physical and mental health. Substance abuse, starving, using "thinspiration" of girls I knew he has found attractive (which disturbed me so much that it helped snap me out of it because I felt so terribly for using those girls' images to torture myself and knew it would hurt them), actually cuts and injuries, gallons of tears and so much agony. I just want it all to end. Really! I can't find much about curing oneitis in women. Some information has been very helpful but... I obviously need something more because I'm still so hurt.
PLEASE help. I don't know what else to do. I need to relinquish full ownership of my life again. I'm sorry that this is tl;dr but my friend told me that you guys were really good at giving advice. Please help!
Last edited by ManicPixieNightmare; 02-13-2014 at 04:01 AM.