Originally Posted by seakinganswers
I guess I fail to see how setting boundaries in a relationship is treating them as lessor? All of us have boundaries in every relationship whether we are poly or mono. So if I say to a potential new lover that I want to find someone to love and cherish, but my lifelong commitment will always be to my wife and we are probably never going to be interested in polygamy or a triad, and my wife never wants to meet you or for you to meet my children, then I don't see that as an insult. It's just being honest up front and you can either choose to be in that kind of relationship or not.
It's not really much different from a guy saying I never want to get married or have kids. And the girl can either accept that or move on.
More than likely the type of woman who would accept this situation would be someone who also was married and had no desire to meet my wife.
I'm only using this as an extreme example. And I'm just saying that as long as everybody is honest about boundaries up front then I don't think someone is a bad person, immature, or unreasonable. It may not be something you would personally agree to. But every relationship has boundaries.
I do see your point though about whether its you setting boundaries for a potential partner or the person you are already with. Because that does seem to be a trust thing. It's like saying, "I don't trust you enough to set your own boundaries that are reasonable, so let me set them for you." On the flip side of that coin I'm a pretty boundary less person so it would scare the crap out of my wife to just let me go free. So I could see where we might have a discussion about whether someone at work was too risky because it threatened our livelihood and where I wouldn't set that boundary for myself, I choose to set the boundary in order to keep my wife from becoming a nervous wreck.
What you want is fine. But you're asking your questions in a poly forum. In poly, this behavior is unacceptable (just as your lifestyle would be unacceptable to someone who was mono). Someone who identifies as poly would probably be looking for more than you could give. What you need is someone who already has a partner (or doesn't want one at the moment), is open, and is looking for some fun on the side. That's what you're offering. Telling them that the relationship between you and them is always going to mean less than your relationship with your wife. But they might not consider you that important either, and you can both use each other as you like. That's not a criticism; though I personally find that kind of relationship unfulfilling.
I''l warn you, though, that feelings cannot be controlled. What do you do if you "accidentally" fall in love with the woman? Toss her aside because your wife might be a "nervous wreck"?