Originally Posted by PolyinPractice
No, you are getting exactly the wrong message out of this. Just because your wife is uncomfortable does not mean you can dispose, or put on hold, a new person. Well, you could, but you don't know that person will still be there when you and she are "ready."
Treating new people as lesser is not cool. If you want to be poly, grow up and let individuals form unique relationships, without controls or limits.
I guess I fail to see how setting boundaries in a relationship is treating them as lessor? All of us have boundaries in every relationship whether we are poly or mono. So if I say to a potential new lover that I want to find someone to love and cherish, but my lifelong commitment will always be to my wife and we are probably never going to be interested in polygamy or a triad, and my wife never wants to meet you or for you to meet my children, then I don't see that as an insult. It's just being honest up front and you can either choose to be in that kind of relationship or not.
It's not really much different from a guy saying I never want to get married or have kids. And the girl can either accept that or move on.
More than likely the type of woman who would accept this situation would be someone who also was married and had no desire to meet my wife.
I'm only using this as an extreme example. And I'm just saying that as long as everybody is honest about boundaries up front then I don't think someone is a bad person, immature, or unreasonable. It may not be something you would personally agree to. But every relationship has boundaries.
I do see your point though about whether its you setting boundaries for a potential partner or the person you are already with. Because that does seem to be a trust thing. It's like saying, "I don't trust you enough to set your own boundaries that are reasonable, so let me set them for you." On the flip side of that coin I'm a pretty boundary less person so it would scare the crap out of my wife to just let me go free. So I could see where we might have a discussion about whether someone at work was too risky because it threatened our livelihood and where I wouldn't set that boundary for myself, I choose to set the boundary in order to keep my wife from becoming a nervous wreck.