Thanks, Ry. I appreciate it. Here's hoping you're feeling better!
Last night was our semi-regular "powwow" between me, P, and M1, so some of this background stuff got aired there (I wasn't really intending to, since it's pretty much between me and P, but he alluded to it, so it got talked about. NBD).
Afterward, I was pretty much cooked and didn't get into what I'd thought about earlier that day. He asked if I wanted to talk more (since I said we had more to talk about), and I didn't. He was okay with that, and we had a nice, quiet rest of the night.
Today, he's not home with me, and Wednesday, we're out seeing a movie, so I wasn't sure when we'd have the opportunity to talk, so I typed up an email with "the rest of the story". I'd rather talk face to face, but sometimes, you just don't know when you'll have time.
Without doing the cut-and-paste thing (because I get a bit wordy
), I basically went into how I feel I'm triggering on the wrong thing (being worried about feeling the pinch for time rather than USING that feeling as a gauge to say, "okay, let's have some 'us time' now."), and that I need to try to realize when I'm doing that, and shift my focus to the REAL problem.
I've also been treating the situation as having struggled to get to where his time is now split 50/50 between me and M1, and I've felt that now that we've gotten there, anything is just going to chip away at it. Like we've built something and it's done and the only thing that can happen to it is that it gets taken apart brick by brick.
Except that's not even close to reality. What's on the calendar may remain consistent, but our circumstances now and ten years from now may be wildly different. We're not "there" yet. We're not anywhere yet that's on any particular map. We haven't finished the 5k; we're still running the (ultra-)marathon, and we have no idea where the hell we're going.
I personally have my own scheduling issues that don't allow for some of our time together to be "quality time" - him too. Once our kids are grown (and I'm not trying to rush it!), we'll be better able to spend good quality time with each other, rather than driving all over hither and yon. Also, once the kids are grown, I no longer have any ties to the area, and I would potentially be freed up to move somewhat closer and not have this extra 1.5 hour commute contributing to the "death by a thousand papercuts" of our time together.
Basically, we still have a ways to go (and who says there's a finish line at the end of this thing, anyway?), and I'm glad that we're going it together.
There will be hiccups. I will still feel the pinch for time, and I will still ponder what I need/want out of a partner... however, if I keep in mind that we're still on the journey, maybe it'll be easier to continue to work these things out over time, rather than think of them as things that need to be done now because we're here now and this is what we're supposed to be - now, dammit!
I'm a planner. I'm goal-oriented. I'm competitive. And that all goes out the window here, and it throws me for a loop. I reached my goal on paper (the 50/50 split for time), and then finally looked up into the real world and realized it doesn't mean diddly when you look at the real-life circumstances that will change as time marches on. I am NOT good with open-endedness like this. My movies and books need to have endings, dammit!
Barring that, though, they need to have something interesting to think about and/or hope for. And I guess this "To Be Continued" has that in spades.
Which is good, because it aint' over 'til it's over. Cue the Lenny Kravitz song...
And it was received well... he got a little something in his eye and told me that he's also glad we're in this together. Then we used a few more running metaphors and then ended up joking about how he just lags behind and stares at my ass anyway, so there ya go. Swagger.
I love that he and I can talk about this stuff and usually come out stronger on the other side. The processing and actual DEALING with the emotions sucks, but once we're done, it makes for a better us. Kiln-fired us, I guess.
Onward and upward...