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Old 02-11-2014, 03:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,217
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I'm sorry you struggle.
Quote:
I still feel committed to my husband and want to make things work, but I'm really unhappy in the marriage.
Quote:
living in a monogamous marriage with him kind of feels like a prison sentence. How do I make this work?
Here's all the "could do's" that I see from my POV. I don't know if it helps you.

Could accept it takes 2 people putting in effort to maintain a healthy marriage relationship. He's checked out. You cannot power a 2 people thing with 1 people power.

Could stop focusing on him and his stuff. Could focus more on you and your stuff and what you need to be happy. Right now that sounds like being free of him and free of this marriage to him. Could begin the process of detachment.

If your marriage experience is a prison? You could call it "enough time served" and leave the prison. I can guess you feel disappointment and will mourn the loss of your marriage... but you are past your limit of tolerance if it is already prison for you here. You don't need to "shrink" you to fit a poor relationship shape. You can let the shape GO.

It is ok to be done here NOW and it is ok to walk away NOW. You don't need to explain it to anyone either. You do not need to stay in a marriage prison from fear, obligation or guilt. You are free to go. YOU are the one who gives you permission to leave.

If you are unhappy in a marriage because you are currently choosing to stay with someone who will not seek therapy and has severe boundary issues? Could update your choice. Could choose to NOT stay so you can be free of this unhappiness. Could not stay in a marraige with someone with severe boundary issues. It is not your job to "fix" him. That is his job.

Could recognize faulty thinking behavior in yourself. When you "feel you are responsible for him?" You could answer BACK. Maybe something like:
1)"Responsible for him" is not a feeling word. I THINK I am responsible for him. What I feel might be "guilt." That is a feeling word.

2) Thinking I am responsible for him is faulty thinking.
  • I am me.
  • I am not him.
  • I cannot control his behavior. He controls what he does/does not do.
  • I am not responsible for things outside my control. His behavior is not is within my control. I am NOT responsible for his behavior. I might feel yucky observing his behavior, but I am not responsible for his behavior.
  • I can only control my behavior. I control my "staying" behavior or my "not staying" behavior. At this time, I choose to _______? (Hopefully NOT STAY!)
You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and EXPERIENCING the feelings.

To help move it forward?

Could call it limit reached. Accept you are longer willing to be in prison marriage.

Could accept all the next choices are hard... so be it. Then pick WHICH hard you will do so you can move it forward toward your future happiness and not keep it stuck in the unhappy.

Could say "I am leaving!" and then remove yourself physically. Sometimes that has to happen FIRST before you are ABLE to let go emotionally and mentally.

Again...Could focus on what you need to be happy. And right now that sounds like being free of him and free of this marriage.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-11-2014 at 07:16 PM.
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