Originally Posted by SNeacail
This sounds very familiar
. It was my husband that cheated. Your wife's reactions actually sound pretty normal to me, to someone who has not gained her trust back. I remember those feelings, and even years later, something small can bring back all those super intense feelings of betrayal (like being hit by a freight train). Unfortunately, many times the feelings are completely out of proportion to the actual incident. This will take time to heal and I'm talking years, not months and it may not even start until you guys can figure out how to repair the marriage.
When everything came to ahead for us, I was in the middle of my "I don't want anything to do with Christianity" stage, but I did consent to go to a Christian counselor because I knew I could get my husband to agree. We got lucky, because she actually worked on our issues, mainly communication and religion or faith really never came into it. Stay away from counseling by pastors or other church lay-persons, go with those with an actual degree and that are licensed to practice. If it will get her in the door to talk about how to improve your marriage, even someone who is not entirely poly friendly can help with some of the foundations.
If this is the case, get on the phone and do it! I waited until 20+ years of marriage and I was ready to file for divorce and now I wish I had done it many many years ago. It will NOT get fixed overnight, lets face it you have 15 years of resentments and horrible communication to overcome, it will take time.
There is a lot of good information under the Golden Nuggets section.
I agree. We did actually try counseling 2 other times. Once she stopped going because she thought the counselor didn't understand her at all (even though I thought she was right on) lol The other time we moved and just didn't see a new one. But to be honest, I wasn't as self aware and confident about who i am and who i am not as I am now so it may not have done much good. As a couple we both need to learn to trust each other again. For different reasons. I need to trust that she won't turn into the completely controlling person that nags all day long and constantly tries to control everything around her with unrealistic expectations. And she needs to trust that I'm not going to lie to her again.
We get a little better each year. We have definitely learned how to fight now. We both love each other to death but we are very different people and I'm not just talking about the poly stuff. To be honest I'm not sure I would ever want to be poly with her. In some ways I may rather her just accept that I'm poly inclined and stay monogamous. Because all our differences would be played out to extremes if we both went poly. She would probably try to control every aspect of what was happening until she sucked all of the enjoyment out of it. I definitely have a much more laid back approach to life. I just don't sweat the small stuff.