Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 02-10-2014, 11:35 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Sara Bareilles - I Choose You

^^^ I love Sara Bareilles, and this song caught my attention in the car this morning. It applies to my life and the shape it has taken on.

Good morning and Happy Tuesday! I am feeling much better, and I am hoping I will be granted clearance to fly out later in the week for our anniversary trip. I have upped my probiotics, and I am resting, trudging through the breathing treatments, and taking all of the antibiotics on time. I am due for another chest x-ray tomorrow. Physically, I feel fine, but I know not to put too much stock into that. Either way it goes, I am slowly getting better.

I saw my ex over the weekend at the St. Kilda Festival. I was tempted not to speak, but she spoke first. I really did not have much to say to her. I sat down and talked to her. I heard her out, but I was not trying to hear anything she was saying. I am working on forgiving her for myself, but it is a slow process. I will take one step forward in remembering her positive attributes, but then I remember how she used my children as pawns and leverage to get at DH. I remember how she admitted that she never loved them. All progress immediately goes out of the window, and I think, "I will be damned if I ever trust that backstabbing, scheming bitch again." It is one thing to disappoint or hurt me, but when you use my children and hurt them, the protective mumma bear and lioness comes out. Admittedly, I have come a long way. The last time I saw her, I wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth. This time I was able to sit there calmly and talk to her. I am just not sure if Si and I will ever be friendly or cordial again. Right now, forgiveness is drowning and on the edge of death.

Would it help sitting down and hashing out any negative feelings I had or still have directly with the source? Perhaps. Would it help to tell her that she was never supposed to be my co-primary? (Our relationship was never tailored or suited for that. When she became that, it was because my hand was forced, some weird sense of loyalty, and a decision that was not well thought out. I scrambled to force what went against the natural state of the relationship. We forced what never should have been.) Would it help to tell her that I should have ended it with her in 2008? Would it help to tell her that her manipulation tactics and bullshit soured me on the whole idea of poly structuring? Would it help to tell her that I hope my child forgets her? Would it help to tell her how I really felt after discovering the full extent of her plans and true intentions? I do not know. Harbouring these feelings and discussing them in counselling or privately is only doing half of the work. If I am going to abide by transparency and full disclosure, I should not shield her from it.

Moment of Reflection. This time last year, I was in San Francisco for a conference. It was the first series of undercurrents that I completely missed. I thought we were just going to celebrate our anniversary/V-Day in S.F., but DH completely changed the plans when my ex showed up on the 13th. I had no idea she was flying in from London, and it completely blindsided us. He later (end of 2013) admitted that he was none too pleased to see her because he wanted some one-on-one time with me like we had always done. He felt like she was intentionally being disrespectful of his boundaries when that particular boundary and tradition had been established for over 10 years. He scrapped the plans, and we flew out early on the morning of the 14th and spent the entire weekend in Cabo. He had no qualms about leaving her alone. His argument was we always spent the days leading up to V-Day and the following week together and without her, and 2013 should be no different. In that moment, I thought nothing of it. I thought he was being his normal spontaneous, romantic self, but looking back, the alarms were blaring.

My, my, my. How a year changes things.

I am off to read some more blogs and threads. This sickness has forced me to slow down and take it easy. Our oldest is at camp until the 14th. Our two youngest are at school and the nursery. DH is at work. It is peaceful and quiet.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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