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"Can I learn to accept her and not resent her?"
My experience and observation of/with various people's situations so far has led me to think that some people can, while others can't. If you can't that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means that you're very monogamous and that's okay.
You feel disappointed because you signed up for a monogamous marriage, and ended up with a husband who wants polyamory and threesomes. It is understandable if you feel disoriented, hurt, even desperate. Your husband could have handled this better, by negotiating with you rather than just changing his behavior and leaving you to figure out the change or not. Doesn't sound like loving behavior to me but I do get that you are probably venting to a large extent.
To be honest? I think the best way to decide whether this is something you can cope with is to visit the Life stories and blogs board
and see firsthand what troubles and revelations other people have had in their own lives. Some have found that they could make poly work -- in their own unique way -- while others have found out that it's just not an option for them. And it's good to know, I think, sometimes, that you're not alone in feeling very taxed by all this poly stuff.
"He's sent me messages in error meant for her and I hurt so badly after reading those."
Yuck! He can't even be careful enough to send the right message to the right person?
Anyway I think you need him to slow down. Just to see if this is even possible. I mean, did he ask permission to do poly and threesomes or did he just start inviting poly partners into his life without getting your go-ahead?
Perhaps we can turn this vent around a bit, and you can think about what are the good things he does, that prove that he cares about you. Not just that he finds you handy to keep around! but that he really cares about your well-being. So, what does he do to demonstrate that?
Any chance a poly-friendly counselor might help? I can post some links if you'd like help seeking one out.
I hope your time on Polyamory.com is healing and helpful.
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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