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Old 02-10-2014, 09:08 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,344

The sympathy is much appreciated, Opal, and I'm sending hugs right back your way...

As I was walking back from a meeting about 10 minutes ago, I realized that part of the irony of all this is that I don't even know if MY life can support what I think I want out of a partnership. My kids don't want/need another adult around 24/7, even if he could accommodate that. They want time with me, and unless we're doing a shared activity with P, then it ends up being P separating himself from us so I can have mom/kid time without him feeling like he's inserting himself into that. I'd love it if we were more family-like, but it's not going to happen with my 13-year-old and I respect that.

That, plus the distance, and the fact that I'm NOT going to consider moving until the kids are out of high school and away to wherever they're going - that all adds up to my not being all that able to compromise in a way that would help achieve my own goals here.

This led to the realization that my goal here is more of a marathon than a sprint (or a "where I should be now"). Maybe once the kids are grown, I could consider finding a job that's closer and maybe moving and helping out the time balance that way. He's trying to make an even balance out of two relationships an hour and a half apart from each other. If he wants to take time for himself and do anything at his southern locale, it's an automatic 1.5 hour impact on our time (which would be why, even with an early night jamming with his buddies, he'd be home probably no earlier than 11:30pm, when I'm ready to wink out).

So I may feel the pinch for time. I've pretty much accepted that I will. I guess the question is, will the rough moments be tolerable if I look at this as progress toward a goal and not a "chipping away" of what we have? Then I don't really have to redefine anything. Just maybe work on what a more reasonable expectation for the role of "partner" is while we're under these constraints.

While I was wrestling with all this the other day, he asked, "So you couldn't ever be married to someone who worked second shift?"

And that didn't feel right to me... I felt that if I were married to someone who worked second shift, or drove a truck, or was deployed, there'd be a goal - retirement, or a shift change, or a return home, or some sort of respite for a while. I get blinded by the poly-ness of the situation and think that well, this will never change. He'll always be poly. I'll never get a respite, or retirement, or whatever. But that really doesn't mean I can't take my own action to help the other circumstances change in the future.

Interesting epiphany. Odd that it happened after a scheduling meeting, but I'll take it.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 6 years.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 47/F, Chops' partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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