This weekend was pretty much a whirlwind, so I'm taking a little time to get this down now that my head's a little clearer (obviously I was cooked - one glass of wine tipped me over the fuzzy-headed stage and I went all rambly).
My thoughts on this whole thing are that it really interrelates closely with the struggle I'm having thinking about P as my partner, given circumstances, distance, and the time available. When we first started this relationship, we struggled to get to the point where we truly were half-time. I babbled about that somewhat in my last post.
And now we're here, barring odd schedule changes or holiday stuff that makes it more group time than "us" time. When it's not getting perturbed, it works, and it's comfortable. When the balance goes awry, though, like it did over the holidays, I go back into needy, time-hoarding mode. My thought going into this was that half-time would be the minimum amount of time I'd need for it to really feel like a partnership - that this was also his home, and that our lives had that amount of interdependency that I desire in a "partner" type of relationship.
And again, when the balance isn't getting tipped, it feels comfortable. But boy, it's easy for it to tip.
This new Tuesday thing felt like it was going to tip the balance again. And I'm sitting here wondering if I either need to dial back what I feel our relationship is (i.e., will I feel better if I call him my "boyfriend" in my head rather than my "partner") and ratchet down my expectations accordingly, or do I need to rewicker what I think a "partnership" is?
At this point, I feel like we struggled so hard to get to a point where we're half-time, and now maybe he's at a point where he can't be happy without taking more time out for himself (which I know he needs), and I can't be happy with less time for us, at least in the relationship we have.
I'll need to see how this Tuesday thing works out, but this is what I'm struggling with right now. If I dial this back, it isn't inconsequential, even though the mechanics of our relationship may not significantly change any. I'll no longer think of him as my partner. I'll no longer think of this as "our" home. I'll no longer want him to be vested in my life at the level I want our lives to be interconnected because I won't want to depend on him, won't want to be able to count on him being there, because that's not what our relationship will be, to me, anymore. And if I ratchet this down, we've been handfasted for a couple years now... I won't be able to do it again this year if it doesn't feel like a partnership to me. It'll feel like a lie if I don't feel that level of commitment. Our relationship will truly be that "leaf on the wind" thing that he subscribes to (that I hate - I'm somewhat of a planner, at least inasmuch as I like to have some control over my own destiny), and I can't count on that to be around if it just floats hither and yon.
So this is heavy. This has the potential to be one of those turning points in our relationship, and I'm not sure where we're going to end up. It stinks because there's nothing in our relationship itself that's problematic. We're damned good together, and that makes this potential decision even harder.
So, we wait and see if I feel the pinch. And if I do, then we have to make a decision. I don't want to go forward with a relationship where one of us is doomed to be unhappy. I don't want to give him a hard time about picking away at "our" time when he needs time for himself - that way lies resentment, and the last thing I want is for him to resent me for trying to keep our relationship something it may not be able to be.
I'm hoping that his "me time" doesn't feel like too big an impact, but I've gone over it in my head and I think I'm ready for the alternative. I guess this is what's meant by not being attached to an outcome? I'm ready for either and I'm done trying to steer it. But I don't want to give up too soon either. I guess we'll both know when it's not working. We'll just need to be honest when each other if it reaches that point.
Ah well. It's Monday, I had a late start to work, and now it's time to focus. Time to close the box on this vent for a little while, put a bow on it, and move forward.
Wednesday, we have free passes to see the new Miyazaki film (anyone who's a fan in the Boston area should check out the schedule for the Brattle Theater). That'll be a nice night... I love hanging out in Cambridge, even in winter. And P's birthday is coming up, so M1 is plotting (and trying to find bad-back-friendly activities, which is sweet of her
). Onward and upward...