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Old 02-09-2014, 06:48 PM
Becca Becca is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 113

I agree-- it's not something you are, it's something you do. You may be "built" with an inclination towards one relationship model over another, but *every* relationship model takes work and communication skills. Different models have different challenges.

It sounds like the first thing you have to do is figure out whether you and your partner can reach some common ground about the ways you want to live. It sounds like a non-hierarchal model of poly appeals to you, but that hierarchy (and primary status) are important to her. If compromise isn't possible, then you have to decide if this relationship is right for you.

In my experience, the non-hierarchal model appealed most to me on a philosophical level, but it was also really, really hard on a practical level. (Big asterix here-- I'm monogamous now, so maybe not the best advice-giver for poly.)

But that goes back to my first point. Being poly or mono isn't about who I am, but how I do things. My needs have changed over the years, and mono meets my needs now. It didn't meet the needs I had 8 years ago-- poly met those needs much better. I'm still the same person, just in a different place.
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