Is It Feb Already?
I've been legally single for one year and 4 days as of a few minutes ago. Doesn't really feel any different.
Back when it was looking like P was going to get the job in Indiana, we was also back onto encouraging me to find a female partner. I kept meaning to blog about it, but life got in the way. Yes, I'm bi-curious in the sexual sense, emotionally I'd say I've always been there. And yet, when he knows I don;t want any other partner, what kept making him think that just because a potential "other" might be female that it would make any rat's ass of a difference in me not wanting anyone else?
End of Jan P had a week off. An old friend/mentor in WA, Grumpy, whose been having health and caretaker and a bit of mental issues seemed to be taking a turn for the worse, so I felt I could no longer put off visiting. (Been trying for two years to convince Grumpy to relocate to my spare room so I could look after him - he doesn't want to be burden so he decided not to accept.) I asked, and P accepted my invitation to join me on the trip to see Grumpy. I offered to pay for airfare, and was already getting the rental car so we agreed P would cover his meals and half of any activities/entertainment.
I was soooo grateful to have P with me to keep me grounded. That first day, seeing just how Grumpy was really doing, I wasn't sure if I was going to break down crying or come out swinging. When someone you love is that bad off and mistreated by those who are supposed to be caring for him... Ok, yes, I'm the world's greatest co-dependant.
P wasn't comfortable staying with Grumpy. I don't blame him, and I was prepared for that possibility. If it were just me I would have still stayed there and been emotionally overwhelmed. Instead I knew where to find a safe, clean, bedbug-free room on the cheap. Still massively dinged my overall budget, and P spent so much time justifying and apologizing before I got the room - it was almost embarrassing, thankfully we were alone.
By the time the visit was over, Grumpy was doing much better. I think just having someone to connect with on a daily basis (and starting to take his meds again) made a difference. I'm still following up with hos social worker and his VA contact - letting them know my observations and encouraging them to find better caregivers or try to get him into assisted living. He may be pissed if they tell him it was me pushing - but I'd rather have him more healthy, not financially abused, and pissed at me, than how he is today. either way, I will be able to sleep knowing I have done what I can ethically.
I got to experience P having three temper tantrums. Twice over his phone (and the ensuing rant about wife PW not letting him get a new one) and once over spilled wine. I think he even stamped his feet and liver-lipped over the wine on his jeans. It was all I could do to not break out laughing over the way he was acting. I hadn't seen him have tantrums quite like that before and they didn't scare me off in the least.
Though every time he rants about PW, it really grates on my nerves!!!! He agrees not to do it to me, and still he does.
The last night we stayed with friends closer to the airport for our early morning departure. P and I went for a walk. He asked me what he was to me. Oh God. Why did he have to ask. I didn't want an emotional evening. So instead I told him I really didn't know (true in many aspects) but that I knew what I wanted to be, and that I loved him.