What a draining couple of days...
Security+ training for work (required), so lots of cramming to remember a multitude of acronyms that all dissolve into alphabet soup after reading/studying a bit too long. Encryption, algorithms, standards, network security, physical security, bla bla bla. And I'm not even really going to use this in my day-to-day activities - this is just required to perform the occasional admin-level login on an isolated system.
So my brain is full and I have just been cooked for the past few days. I still need more studying and drilling, and then need to find a facility that tests for the certification. Then hopefully pass so I can forget about it for the next three years, or until the requirement is dropped.
Tonight was a rough night emotionally as well...
My daughters danced with a girl whose brother committed suicide a few days ago. My niece was friends with him. We went to the candlelight memorial tonight, and it was sweet but so incredibly sad. Both girls were in tears (as was I) and we ended up leaving early because I think it was a bit too much for my youngest.
Last night was emotional as well (and dribbled into this morning), and I am ready to just sleep through tomorrow and into Monday (but alas, the kids have been invited sledding and I plan to chill with the 'rents and have a drink or two
I'm pretty annoyed with my reaction, actually. P came to me and mentioned that his buddy wants to get together with him and play some music on Tuesday nights. Great, right? In fact, that's the night I spend extra time with the kids before bringing them back to their dad's, so my first reaction was, "Cool - works for me."
Until I thought, "Oh, every Tuesday?" And started getting all stressed out about what that would mean for our time together, as P wouldn't really be getting home until I was ready to hit the hay, and it would mean that we really wouldn't see each other much at all on those days.
P and I have a two days on / two days off schedule, where he alternates time up north with me and down south with M1, 1.5 hours apart. While our relationship was still pretty young, we didn't have overnights on weekends (and really didn't spend much time together on weekends), since I had my kids on the weekends, and didn't want to overwhelm them with my new relationship so soon after the divorce from their dad. It was extremely difficult, as I am a "Quality Time" person (STRONGLY) and couldn't see myself building a "partner" type of relationship with anyone on anything less than half-time. That was pretty much my limit.
After a while, we were able to introduce P overnight on the weekends, and we pretty much approached a full "half-time" schedule between me and M1.
Every so often, I still feel the pinch for time. The holidays were extremely rough, with activities, things with the kids, family, etc. When I don't have enough "P time" (without M1 or a large group), I get really antsy and start hoarding time with him, occasionally to the point where I'm extremely cognizant of how much time we have left together before he leaves, and being very clingy about it all. It's a sucky place to be, emotionally, and after those triggering events (holidays, vacations away, etc.), I really do need some recharge time with just him.
I'm coming out of my post-holiday "cocoon time" with P. And then immediately swung right back into worrying about how his hanging with his friends every Tuesday would impact us. Started worrying about our time slowly getting picked at, little by little, until it wasn't enough, and I took myself down the rabbit hole emotionally. It ended this morning when I finally plotzed (an apparently amusing flip-out where I tried to storm out of bed, and instead couldn't get the sheets untangled from my legs all that gracefully) and then we finally had a good conversation where I wasn't metering every word coming out of my mouth (too emotional and spent).
It sucks to be the one (the only one) out of me, P, and M1 who is a Quality Time person. They don't get it (although M1 has been extremely accommodating in that respect), and I feel like I'm speaking a foreign language at times. It sucks to think that I may be right at that time balance, where any sort of upset is going to be extremely difficult and unmanageable for any length of time. And it sucks to worry that I may have to be the one to go to P and say, "This isn't working" and have to end it when there's absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship itself (on the contrary, the relationship between us is absolutely fantastic when I'm not dealing with other external triggery stuff).
And I have to back up and go, "It's only a fucking Tuesday night with his friends!"
He's torn between trying to understand and starting to get resentful about having to "ask my permission" to go do something for himself, and I aggravate myself for putting him through all that.
So... After gnawing on it a bit, I'm thinking that all this emotional wonkiness is getting triggered from the wrong thing. The Tuesday nights? What's the result? That I feel the pinch for time? Okay. Been there. Felt that. Dealt with it before.
The REAL trigger should be feeling that pinch for time. THAT is what should get me talking with P and saying, "Okay, I need more time with you - how can we do this?" This is the thing that needs to be dealt with. I can't deal with a "what if" based on fear. I *can* deal with something that actually happens.
Now the trick is getting my heart to agree with my brain in all this and actually shift that focus.
I don't like feeling like a heel when I get all emotionally out of whack and P ends up just not wanting to do whatever it is he initially asked about. I feel manipulative and unstable. I feel like I'm encouraging resentment. And I feel like I'm encouraging P to not be honest with me. Not something I want to encourage.
So... Something else to work on. At the very least, P's understanding (as much as he can be) and we're moving forward.
And boy that glass of Merlot hit me pretty hard tonight. Tweeeeeee...
Methinks it's time for bed, before I babble myself into a corner.
As always, it's an adventure. Not always a pleasant one, but it sure the hell is an adventure.