I have been with my man for 7 years now, we have been totally monogomous. I love him so much and on the whole we are happy, i can't imagine life without him.... I am so scared i'll lose him, damage our relationship or hurt him if he knows that i feel somewhat trapped and that he alone can't fill all my needs emotionally and that the thought of only being with one person for the rest of my life on any level scares the hell out of me and sends me into a panic/momentary depression.
I dont want to feel guilty when i am talking to a guy friend on a level that me and my partner can't, i don't want to feel guilty when i have someone that i just want to cuddle up too and watch a movie with. For me its not just about wanting to go out and shag people.. i love the feeling you get with someone new even if its just holding hands, talking, flirting etc i just want the freedom to do what i want when i want and not feel bad for it or have the fear that i will loose my guy. We trust each other 100% and i have told him i have no problem with him "hooking up" with other women but he just laughs and shrugs it off. I would never ever cheat on him and i have kind of hinted at opening up things a bit but he is kind of a yes man and doesn't really say what he feels, he agrees with my views on relationships in general but i don't know how he would feel about being in the type of relationship i'm wanting.
I just don't know what to do, if it was an open relationship from the start im guessing it would have been alot easier. I know i have to say something to him but i'm just so damned scared. I grew up thinking you find a man you fall in love you get married and have kids - happy ever after, i never thought i'd have a kid fall in love and still want more from others.... Damn you walt disney
I'm not sure if any of this made sense, i am not that great at transfering my thoughts to words i just needed to get it out and if anyone has been in this situation (long term relationhip starts monogy then turns poly etc etc) or has any feedback it would greatly be appreciated. Damn maybe its just an early midlife crisis.. i just don't know.