Can I learn to accept her and not resent her?
I guess this is part intro/part help request.
Hereís the best condensed version of my storyÖ
Four years ago my husband was making online connections with women via some game chat groups. Most of the connections didnít make me bat an eyelash. But one hung on. She was married and would stay up late telling her tales of woe about her husband and mine would tell her how he would be her knight in shining armor. I came across parts of conversations that felt like a knife slicing through me -- how he loved her, etc. Never did I come across a negative statement about me. He dug his heels in saying she was a friend he couldnít live without. We took a weekend away and I asked him not to bring her with (texting/phone/etc). He agreed but she was offended when he told her he wouldnít be available for the weekend. That was the end of their relationship but really the beginning of my roller coaster ride.
Within a year M (my husband) had joined an online game that had itís own social circle. Within that circle was B. Sheís a single female who runs a day care out of her home. My husband is disabled and home all day. Two adults who needed adult interaction during the day. Whatís evolved from that is now an acknowledgement from my husband that heís poly and he loves her.
Originally I interpreted this as someone he loved to flirt with. Then I found out they were having online sex. I tried to participate but quickly felt like the outsider. We have had many conversations about his flirting with women. I donít mind the flirting but Iíve always said I donít want anyone getting their claws in him. Didnít see this coming.
In our discussions heís always wanted a threesome. Tried three times with B but I canít. I canít relax. I donít trust. Iím self-conscious. I either end up severely depressed or I just want to toss in the towel and tell her she won. Thereís 800 miles between M and B and the last time we were all physically together M told B it probably wasnít ever going to happen again because it was causing me so much distress.
Bís connected electronically to him all day long. We play massively multiplayer online role-playing games (mmorpg) together. I realized a long time ago it was better to keep her on the same playing field for me. If I let them have too much time to themselves my imagination gets the best of me. So I go home from work each night, make supper, and then am connected with her for 3-4 hours. I no longer use his computer for anything nor do I go anywhere near his phone. I don't want to see their communication exchanges. He's sent me messages in error meant for her and I hurt so badly after reading those.
Weíve been married 16 years. Over the past three years Iíve considered leaving him many times. Iím mono Ė doesnít matter what I do or try, my wiring takes me back to a mono perspective/comfort zone. This isnít the for better or for worse I expected. However the one thing that keeps me connected is that I love him and I know he loves me. But he also loves her. And I need help with that. Can I learn to accept her and not resent her?