Thread: Trust issues
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Old 02-07-2014, 03:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I call shenanigans and all kinds of FRESH.

I am sorry you are dealing in this but tread carefully!

SHORT VERSION

Quote:
Now he says enough's enough, he wants to break up. I obviously don't because although I do have a little bit of trust issues, I never did anything wrong.
If "enough is enough and he wants to break up" then he could do the decent thing and just break up, right? Not be adding mind games to it. He's got an agenda.

You are correct. You do not have to break up with him because YOU did anything wrong in this instance. You could break up with him because HE did something wrong! Dude sets you up with mind games rather than building trust appropriately or breaking up appropriately. Dude is all kinds of fresh!

AGREE with him -- "Yes. You are right. I agree. We are broken up."

You deserve to be treated well in relationship.
You deserve to be broken up with well if the relationship has to end.

You do not deserve to be taken for a ride on the shenanigans train.

LONG VERSION

Quote:
Well turns out since I've been accusing him so much, he set me up
When a healthy person agrees to date a person still in healing mode, they accept that the person is still in healing mode and will behave kindly and appropriately toward them. He is not being kind or appropriate to you.

YOU? You could not offer yourself as a dating partner at this time if you cannot tell what is kind behavior and what is not kind behavior yet.

Your past experiences are still affecting your willingness and ability to build trust and particiapte in healthy dating today. You could not date until you have fully healed from the past and are more ready to take that risk of building trust with a new person. Without ghosts of the past hanging on you. Do your interpersonal work before moving on to interpersonal work. Don't skip it. You become easy prey.

I'm not trying to be insulting when I say that -- just saying that you are not at your best healths right now so you could be really careful. Some people are predators.

Could seek post-abuse counseling and "healthy dating class" to help you heal.

BF ISSUE

He is behaving inappropriately.

Him "setting you up?" That's not loving, kind behavior to do to anyone... much less to a person who is recovering from past abuse experiences! That's taking advantage of a person and messing with their heads. I don't see how him playing mind games with you is supposed to INSPIRE trust building!

You deserve to be treated well in relationship and he is treating you poorly. YOU break up with him!

When ready for healthy dating, you could find a BF that doesn't play mind games and helps create supportive environment for you to become more willing and able to build trust with him. This one is creating environment that does NOT help you become more willing to build trust. He's ADDING to your issues, not helping to TAKE AWAY. He is not trustworthy.

He could be setting you up to get used to more blame shifting in future.
  • He does a poor behavior (mind games, take advantage)
  • You are upset with his poor behavior. (And rightly so. Nobody likes getting played.)
  • Now he says YOU have to hang on a string while he's away while he thinks about if "he breaks up with your or not?" (punishment for feeling upset at his poor behavior).
  • "Even though he loves you." When just two seconds ago it was "enough is enough?" His word is shifty! (blame shift + guilt trippage -- he loves you, waaaaah.... don't you love him? Don't you want to accept poor behavior to prove your love for him? )

He sounds weird and bad company for your healing time.

You could say "No, thanks. You were right the first time. We are broken up."

You deserve to be treated well in relationship, not treated with a mess of shenanigans. Love does not have to be "proven." Trust does. He's not showing himself as trustworthy when he plays mind games. You could show yourself appropriate care by getting you out of this unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Quote:
and he said temporarily we're back together but he is going to think about everything and tell me the final outcome Thursday when he gets back. He told me he still loves me tho..What should I do??
You could do lots of things.
  • You could stop using "should" and change it to "could"
  • You could recognize that he's treating you poorly.
  • You could recognize that it is not loving behavior when his actions behaviors are "I play mind games, create emotional hoohas, and then leave you hanging"
  • You could recognize that when his less than loving actions do not match his "I love you" words? His words are lying.
  • You could ask yourself if you are willing to stay where you are treated poorly and where you are not actually loved.
  • You could answer "Nope. Not willing to stay where I am treated poorly and am not actually loved."
  • You could break up with him and be free of his shenanigans today. Could not wait for him to come back to tell you where HIS willingness lies. You have your OWN willingness.

Up to you how you choose. Choose well.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-07-2014 at 04:33 PM.