I could be wrong. But here's the "could do's" that I see from my POV. I don't know if that is helpful to you.
Although he's mostly loving, his job often shortens his temper threshold and he rages. As in, he yells and berates. I'm really grateful to have food/shelter and I love him, but it's so stressful not making money. Sometimes, thinking about my finances makes me feel suicidal.
You have been SUICIDAL and you live in a stressy home environment.
Perhaps your BF is not up for changing the polyship shape to include a sugar daddy at this time because he's got BIGGER worries -- like you being suicidal?
That is serious business.
Do you want to have a sugar daddy more than your want to be in harmonious polyship with the BF?
- If so? Could break up with BF. If you end it, then you no longer have to take his worries into consideration as your partner. He's no longer your partner. You are then free to consider only your own worries and you can do as you wish.
- If no, could find alternative solution to (be free of parents' house) and (be free of financial worries) that is not (seek sugar daddy to fix it all).
To be free of parents' house and improve your environmental health:
- Could ask best friend secret millionaire for a loan so you can get a modest apartment
- Could ask best friend secret millionaire or any other friend if you can live with them instead for a while
- Could ask another relative if you can live with them instead for a while
- Could ask if you can live with BF
- Could move to a shelter to be free of parents home
- Some other location I cannot think of
To be free of financial worries over time...
- Could break up with BF, and continue to seek sugar daddy solution to finances
- Could decide to keep relationship with BF, and let go of sugar daddy solution to finances
- Could continue to seek employment at other jobs.
- If sending resumes is disheartening right now, could ask BF or another friend to send them out for you this month, and you only deal with the plus responses.
- Could make appointments to see about changing student loan amounts on your own
- Could make appointments to see about declaring bankruptcy and deal with the process of that.
- Something else I cannot think of right now.
But I find the fact that you were suicidal
of largest concern.
You do not mention if you have sought treatment for it and created a suicide safety plan
to use if these thoughts return.
You spent a lot of effort writing about "find sugar daddy" in your post but I don't read a lot about "deal with suicidal thoughts appropriately" as part of your next course of action. It's barely a blip on the screen.
I hope you being alive is of concern to you. I hope as you map out your next strategy (collection of plans to address various things) you have thought to include a plan to address suicidal thoughts appropriately in there somewhere.