bassman and I discussed this in more detail last night. I started fretting about not being respected as it seemed on Tuesday night when we discussed this he said "i'll compromise and just not be in this environment". Well that's not what I was looking for in a resolution. I really do enjoy their family and do want to be in a group family environment. I asked more questions about did he actually discuss with wild orchid or not (he did). Can they respect no touching, disappearing while we (bassman, our children and I) are there? Yes he said but he's worried that if I see him giving wild orchid some "look" I'll loose it. Looks I am okay with in this family environment just not disappearing, leaving me full of kid duties while they wonder off for a make out session. For now, we've agreed to table it. See how I'm doing in a few weeks. Basically if the thought of interacting causes me physical anxiety (which it did Monday) then we know I'm just not ready, yet.
It felt good to know my fluid boundary is respected at this time and as I'm able to acclimate to more in person interactions, we will try it on. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.
bassman also thinks that once I'm involved with another this whole anxiety feelings will disappear. I can't say it will or won't and who knows, he may then have "anxiety" of seeing me with another.
as far as sexually seeing each other with another. we've been there in the past and neither of us felt negative feelings, really enjoyed it, got super turned on; but then again, it was all about sex and not love.